Thursday, June 28, 2012
Just Nod if You Can Hear Me
"Wow, Helen, you look good - have you lost weight?"
"I have! Almost 20 pounds."
"That is SO great! Are you on a special diet?
"No - I'm just counting my calories - trying to keep my intake less than my calories burned, you know..."
"I wish I'd have known when I invited you to lunch..."
"Why's that, Sarah? Then you wouldn't have invited me?"
"NO! It's just I don't know what kind of foods you eat!"
"I eat anything. Besides, you normally eat pretty healthy anyway so I'm sure whatever you made will be fine."
"We're having vegetarian pizza & some cabbage salad."
"Great, sounds perfect."
"John, look, Helen's here - doesn't she look good? She's on a DIET."
"It's okay, Sarah, you don't have to whisper!"
"A diet? I wish we would have known..."
"It's okay, guys, really, it's nothing for you to worry about. I can eat anything I want."
"But, that can't be a very effective diet!"
"It's NOT a DIET, it's more of a lifestyle change, you know, just trying to stop that kind of mindless eating that I tend to do when I'm not paying attention.
"Well, the pizza crust IS whole wheat - can you have that?"
"Yes, John, that's fine."
"Good - we just don't want to give you anything you can't have."
"I can have ANYTHING - I just have to count the calories, is all. Ummm, this cabbage salad is great! What kind of dressing is on it?"
"OH, John, we forgot about the dressing! Helen, are you sure you can have that?"
"Of course!"
"Well, how can this be a diet, then, if you can have anything?"
"I just add up all the calories & when I hit the daily limit I set for my self, I just stop eating. There's a website I use to look up & track all this stuff - it's pretty cool."
"Sarah, will you get the wine? Oh, Helen, do you mind if we drink wine in front of you?"
"You bet I do, John! You better be pouring me a glass as well!"
"But can you have that?"
"YES!"
"But, I thought you aren't supposed to drink wine when you are on a diet?"
"I'm NOT on a DIET!"
"Well, you must be exercising then."
"Yeah, I have been doing 5K's on the treadmill - slowly working up so that now I can actually run more of the time than I walk!"
"Well, that's great. Tho I don't see how you can be excited to run on a treadmill."
"Believe me, John, I am not excited to run ANYWHERE - I was never a runner; I was a swimmer. At least with a treadmill I know what to expect. Plus, it's air conditioned at the gym!"
"True, but pretty boring."
"It's not like I run long enough to get bored."
"Well, it's good you are exercising. Otherwise I don't see how you can possibly be losing any weight with this crazy diet you are on."
"What's crazy about it? It's not like it's one of those fad diets, where you lose 10 pounds one week & gain it back the next! It's just paying attention to what I eat, & the portion sizes - you know, just making good choices overall."
"Look, Helen, Sarah made cookies. & we also brought back some sinfully good dark chocolate from the States. But we didn't know you would be on a diet. I guess you can't have any of that, tho?"
"Why not? You think maybe I can't count that high?"
"What does counting have to do with anything?"
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
"We now return to our regularly scheduled program."
"Mom, are you busy?"
"I'm just trying to write another blog. What do you need?"
"I need help."
"With what? I thought you were studying."
"I am going to study for my Business Final. But I can't find one of my past Business tests - I use them to study."
"Didn't I tell you to file all those papers that were on your bed?"
"Yes, but-"
"Now, if you had done what I said, you wouldn't be wandering around here clueless. What are you going to do if you don't find it - just spend the whole day looking around for it & never studying at all?"
"No-o-o-o."
"Okay. Let me come to your room."
-----
-----
"What is all this stuff on the bed? I thought you said you filed it."
"I did - this is Business."
"ALL these piles of paper are Business?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, then why does this one say SPANISH TEST?"
"OH! That's where that one is!"
"I thought you were looking for Business tests?"
"I AM - but BEFORE I was looking for THAT one."
"Well, I can't imagine that it was so hard to find - it was the first paper I saw. Where's your filing thing?"
"I already looked there."
"We are not looking any more - we are going to file. You can't study in this disarray!"
"O-kay..."
"Here - what's this?"
"English."
"And this?"
"I.T."
"And this?"
"Runescape."
"Runescape is a class now? You're studying an online game?"
"No, I was just bored one day..."
"And this?"
"Oh, that's my knight."
"Art? I thought you said this was all Business stuff?"
"Well, maybe I forgot THAT pile."
"Maybe. Why are all these pieces of broken balloons all over the bed?"
"I don't know."
"And what is this? Looks like the cover of a school book - are you ripping apart your books these days? Just can't wait to open them up?"
"Ha! No, that's not even mine."
"If it is not yours, why is it here?"
"I found it at school."
"So you brought it HOME? You just bend over, pick up some trash & say, 'Hey, I bet this would look good on my spare bed with all the other CRAP I keep there for no good reason'?"
"No. I don't know why it's here."
"Well, if YOU don't know, WHO does?"
"I don't know."
"What about this pile of papers here?"
"Where?"
"In the Lego box."
"Oh."
"Why are there school papers in the Lego box?"
"I don't know."
"What's this?"
"Oh, that's my brother's."
"Your brother's? How would your brother's papers get all the way upstairs into YOUR room?"
"I don't know."
"Of course you don't. Here, what's this?"
"Mom, you found it! That's my Business test - or, well, part of it."
"Part of it, okay. Perhaps the rest is nearby. Why are there gum wrappers here in your Lego box?"
"Here, give them to me."
"Don't just put them on the bed! We are trying to clean OFF the bed! Throw them on the floor til we bring in a garbage bag! And look at these papers! They were perfectly good blank papers, but now they are all creased. May as well just crumble them up & throw them down there with the balloon pieces. And this glasses case - it's been totally demolished - what did you do to it? Just throw it away; why keep things like this, all broken & ruined! And all these socks! Why are they here? I thought you told me you cleaned up this bed!"
"I did!"
"Which part of the bed did you clean - these 2 square inches over here?"
"Mom! Don't throw those socks- ah, Mom, you knocked over my trees!"
"Trees, what trees?"
"My Lego trees. Do you know how complicated those trees are?"
"Can't be any more complicated than finding half a Business test in this slum you call a bedroom. Son, how can you live like this?"
"I don't know-..."
"We don't just need a garbage bag - we need a fire hose! What are all these Bone books here for?"
"I was reading them."
"ALL of them? At once?"
"No, I'm finished with them now."
"Have I ever shown you those shelves I like to call 'The Bookcase'?"
"Mom!"
"And why do you have one of your Father's Art Culinaire books?"
"I was using it."
"For WHAT? Business? Cooking? Business cooking?"
"No, as a ruler."
"Of course. & what's this RULER for - reading?"
"Oh, there it is!"
"The Business test?"
"No - the ruler. If I had had THAT I wouldn't have had to use Papa's book."
"You DID have it - here, under all this junk!"
"You found it, Mom!"
"I KNOW I did!"
"No, the rest of the Business test! There it was under the ruler. Thanks!"
"Great - see, it is easy enough to find things when you are organized..."
"I'm just trying to write another blog. What do you need?"
"I need help."
"With what? I thought you were studying."
"I am going to study for my Business Final. But I can't find one of my past Business tests - I use them to study."
"Didn't I tell you to file all those papers that were on your bed?"
"Yes, but-"
"Now, if you had done what I said, you wouldn't be wandering around here clueless. What are you going to do if you don't find it - just spend the whole day looking around for it & never studying at all?"
"No-o-o-o."
"Okay. Let me come to your room."
-----
-----
"What is all this stuff on the bed? I thought you said you filed it."
"I did - this is Business."
"ALL these piles of paper are Business?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, then why does this one say SPANISH TEST?"
"OH! That's where that one is!"
"I thought you were looking for Business tests?"
"I AM - but BEFORE I was looking for THAT one."
"Well, I can't imagine that it was so hard to find - it was the first paper I saw. Where's your filing thing?"
"I already looked there."
"We are not looking any more - we are going to file. You can't study in this disarray!"
"O-kay..."
"Here - what's this?"
"English."
"And this?"
"I.T."
"And this?"
"Runescape."
"Runescape is a class now? You're studying an online game?"
"No, I was just bored one day..."
"And this?"
"Oh, that's my knight."
"Art? I thought you said this was all Business stuff?"
"Well, maybe I forgot THAT pile."
"Maybe. Why are all these pieces of broken balloons all over the bed?"
"I don't know."
"And what is this? Looks like the cover of a school book - are you ripping apart your books these days? Just can't wait to open them up?"
"Ha! No, that's not even mine."
"If it is not yours, why is it here?"
"I found it at school."
"So you brought it HOME? You just bend over, pick up some trash & say, 'Hey, I bet this would look good on my spare bed with all the other CRAP I keep there for no good reason'?"
"No. I don't know why it's here."
"Well, if YOU don't know, WHO does?"
"I don't know."
"What about this pile of papers here?"
"Where?"
"In the Lego box."
"Oh."
"Why are there school papers in the Lego box?"
"I don't know."
"What's this?"
"Oh, that's my brother's."
"Your brother's? How would your brother's papers get all the way upstairs into YOUR room?"
"I don't know."
"Of course you don't. Here, what's this?"
"Mom, you found it! That's my Business test - or, well, part of it."
"Part of it, okay. Perhaps the rest is nearby. Why are there gum wrappers here in your Lego box?"
"Here, give them to me."
"Don't just put them on the bed! We are trying to clean OFF the bed! Throw them on the floor til we bring in a garbage bag! And look at these papers! They were perfectly good blank papers, but now they are all creased. May as well just crumble them up & throw them down there with the balloon pieces. And this glasses case - it's been totally demolished - what did you do to it? Just throw it away; why keep things like this, all broken & ruined! And all these socks! Why are they here? I thought you told me you cleaned up this bed!"
"I did!"
"Which part of the bed did you clean - these 2 square inches over here?"
"Mom! Don't throw those socks- ah, Mom, you knocked over my trees!"
"Trees, what trees?"
"My Lego trees. Do you know how complicated those trees are?"
"Can't be any more complicated than finding half a Business test in this slum you call a bedroom. Son, how can you live like this?"
"I don't know-..."
"We don't just need a garbage bag - we need a fire hose! What are all these Bone books here for?"
"I was reading them."
"ALL of them? At once?"
"No, I'm finished with them now."
"Have I ever shown you those shelves I like to call 'The Bookcase'?"
"Mom!"
"And why do you have one of your Father's Art Culinaire books?"
"I was using it."
"For WHAT? Business? Cooking? Business cooking?"
"No, as a ruler."
"Of course. & what's this RULER for - reading?"
"Oh, there it is!"
"The Business test?"
"No - the ruler. If I had had THAT I wouldn't have had to use Papa's book."
"You DID have it - here, under all this junk!"
"You found it, Mom!"
"I KNOW I did!"
"No, the rest of the Business test! There it was under the ruler. Thanks!"
"Great - see, it is easy enough to find things when you are organized..."
Saturday, June 23, 2012
What We Keep
Summer is coming & we are getting ready to travel!
My suitcase bound for the States has the following items:
My suitcase bound for the States has the following items:
22 empty coke cans
5 lbs coffee
5 lbs sea glass
4 years of my boys artwork from school
1 baggie of teeth lost by my children since 2008
2 sepia maps of islands in the Caribbean
2 unframed prints
What do you mean this doesn't look anything like YOUR packing list!?
An explanation? If you insist...Tho, if I begin by telling you I am visiting our storage unit (where all our household goods have been vacationing these few years) some of these things might make a little more sense.
22 empty coke cans:
You can imagine that an odd sort of person (like myself) might end up marrying ANOTHER odd sort of person (like my husband). I am not the one with the empty coke can addiction. I am just the enabler.
My husband is a collector. He is interested in collecting MANY things. Luckily our current situation does not provide him the kind of space in which his collections could get really out-of-hand. Having said that, over the last 4 years away from the States he has amassed an impressive amount of different coke cans, for his Coke Can Collection. He methodically pokes a hole in the bottom of each can, so as not to disturb the pop-top, & removes the coke. He & the boys then "sample & compare" the many cokes that people have brought for my husband from their travels around the world.
Anyhow, these cans are taking up valuable real estate in the kitchen cupboards - so, off to our storage unit they go! Sadly, I cannot fit them all this trip, since they are vulnerable in their empty state they have to be transported carefully. Therefore, they are in a very sturdy box in my very structured suitcase.
5 lbs coffee
5 lbs sea glass
4 years of my boys artwork from school
1 baggie of teeth lost by my children since 2008
2 sepia maps of islands in the Caribbean
2 unframed prints
What do you mean this doesn't look anything like YOUR packing list!?
An explanation? If you insist...Tho, if I begin by telling you I am visiting our storage unit (where all our household goods have been vacationing these few years) some of these things might make a little more sense.
22 empty coke cans:
You can imagine that an odd sort of person (like myself) might end up marrying ANOTHER odd sort of person (like my husband). I am not the one with the empty coke can addiction. I am just the enabler.
My husband is a collector. He is interested in collecting MANY things. Luckily our current situation does not provide him the kind of space in which his collections could get really out-of-hand. Having said that, over the last 4 years away from the States he has amassed an impressive amount of different coke cans, for his Coke Can Collection. He methodically pokes a hole in the bottom of each can, so as not to disturb the pop-top, & removes the coke. He & the boys then "sample & compare" the many cokes that people have brought for my husband from their travels around the world.
Anyhow, these cans are taking up valuable real estate in the kitchen cupboards - so, off to our storage unit they go! Sadly, I cannot fit them all this trip, since they are vulnerable in their empty state they have to be transported carefully. Therefore, they are in a very sturdy box in my very structured suitcase.
5 lbs coffee:
Our island is known for coffee. These are the bribes I offer prospective hosts in exchange for letting us have a place to stay. This limits our housing possibilities to the homes of coffee drinkers, unless there are people who have some other reason to want us around, like, say, grandparents! I also have the emergency small packets of coffee, for those acquaintances you didn't know you were going to see, but want to pretend that you were just hoping to run into...
5 lbs sea glass:
Sadly I cannot blame my husband for this one. On our last island I loved snorkeling for sea glass. After all that work it seems like there must be SOMETHING I can do with it all...one day...so, off to storage it goes!5 lbs sea glass:
4 years of my boys artwork from school:
What kind of mother would I be if I didn't hold on to these masterpieces?
1 baggie of teeth lost by my children since 2008:
1 baggie of teeth lost by my children since 2008:
Okay, fine! What do YOU do with the teeth, hmmm??
2 sepia maps of islands & 2 unframed prints:
We live in a furnished townhouse, not really a place where I want to make a lot of holes in the wall, but sometimes it's hard to resist some artwork...
When I open the storage unit, it is always a little strange. I will see all that is left from our life in the States, lurking in the darkness of a 10' X 15' climate controlled storage unit. After my eyes adjust, I will notice my grandmothers china cabinet up against one wall, filled with soccer trophies & sailboats. I will see all my red & green boxes of Christmas decorations in the way back, on top of all our bookcases filled with books. I will see beds & chairs & tables & dressers. I will see boxes upon boxes. I will see bags of cold weather clothes & yard implements. I will not be able to go in - there was not enough room to leave a path.
At the very front of the unit I will see my pottery wheel & a bottle of Patron Tequila someone gave my husband for his going-away. I will see my mothers big pottery pickle jars she used to use for flower pots. I will see my boys Red Radio Flyer Wagon, & think of those little boys I had back then, who are not the same as the big boys I have now. My heart will ache & my eyes will tear up & I will hurry to get on with what I came for.
As I stand in front of all this STUFF, which we seem to be able to live without, but we somehow still need, I will see the little piles of hurriedly placed items that I have brought on other trips home - clothes, shoes, pottery; things that we put into this 'waiting room' for that mysterious 'one day' when we return & take up our 'old lives' again.
And there on top of a bag of clothes will be a big wooden fish, casting an accusatory eye on me for leaving him in this strange place last December, away from the sunny Caribbean island where he was carved under a palm tree. Wondering what will become of him.
And I will think: you & me both, fish. You & me both. Because by the time that fish comes to be removed from that storage unit, he will be part of our 'old lives' as well. This fish, along with this sea glass, these 22 coke cans & these teeth for Heaven's sake, that I have brought over the ocean for the sole purpose of storing them together with our other belongings.
Like the first cavemen who carried their fires from an old cave to a new cave for continuity, so too will we one day carry these items from this 'waiting room' to spark our 'new lives', whenever & where ever they might be.
Wondering, as always, what might become of us.
2 sepia maps of islands & 2 unframed prints:
We live in a furnished townhouse, not really a place where I want to make a lot of holes in the wall, but sometimes it's hard to resist some artwork...
When I open the storage unit, it is always a little strange. I will see all that is left from our life in the States, lurking in the darkness of a 10' X 15' climate controlled storage unit. After my eyes adjust, I will notice my grandmothers china cabinet up against one wall, filled with soccer trophies & sailboats. I will see all my red & green boxes of Christmas decorations in the way back, on top of all our bookcases filled with books. I will see beds & chairs & tables & dressers. I will see boxes upon boxes. I will see bags of cold weather clothes & yard implements. I will not be able to go in - there was not enough room to leave a path.
At the very front of the unit I will see my pottery wheel & a bottle of Patron Tequila someone gave my husband for his going-away. I will see my mothers big pottery pickle jars she used to use for flower pots. I will see my boys Red Radio Flyer Wagon, & think of those little boys I had back then, who are not the same as the big boys I have now. My heart will ache & my eyes will tear up & I will hurry to get on with what I came for.
As I stand in front of all this STUFF, which we seem to be able to live without, but we somehow still need, I will see the little piles of hurriedly placed items that I have brought on other trips home - clothes, shoes, pottery; things that we put into this 'waiting room' for that mysterious 'one day' when we return & take up our 'old lives' again.
And there on top of a bag of clothes will be a big wooden fish, casting an accusatory eye on me for leaving him in this strange place last December, away from the sunny Caribbean island where he was carved under a palm tree. Wondering what will become of him.
And I will think: you & me both, fish. You & me both. Because by the time that fish comes to be removed from that storage unit, he will be part of our 'old lives' as well. This fish, along with this sea glass, these 22 coke cans & these teeth for Heaven's sake, that I have brought over the ocean for the sole purpose of storing them together with our other belongings.
Like the first cavemen who carried their fires from an old cave to a new cave for continuity, so too will we one day carry these items from this 'waiting room' to spark our 'new lives', whenever & where ever they might be.
Wondering, as always, what might become of us.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
You Never Know
The Rasta man who has been selling me my coconuts these past months sits in the shade by his fruit stand. It is coming on summer. I have found him sleeping there on occasion. He tells me it is the heat that puts him to sleep. I try not to startle him.
His fruit stand is basically a large box, about the size of a coffin, painted with the national flag, of course. It is attached to a pushcart so he can wheel it into the fenced protection of the Craft Market during the nights. His fruits are protected from the sun by several large pieces of cardboard draped across the cart. He also has an umbrella which has lost its material, but the frame is still useful so he has alternately used a big blue tarp, or a massive piece of clear plastic, to take the place of the original umbrella fabric. The least ravaged-looking piece of equipment that he owns is a big blue Igloo cooler, yet even it's lid is warped.
Rasta (which is what he answers to) is a quiet-spoken man, with his graying dreadlocks wound about his head & falling down his back. Like pet owners are said to resemble their pets, so does the Rasta man resemble his fruit stand, in his level of wear & tear & the general feeling of parts pieced together. The neighborhood people seem to like him & call out to him as they walk by. He has several shirts: a couple bright tropical button shirts, & a few T-Shirts. My boys' favorite of his shirts is the one with Bob Marley holding a joint & the words, "Excuse me while I light my spliff." Looking at Rasta's appearance, I assume he has had many opportunities to utter these words in conversation himself. Luckily for him, tho, there is no law against MUI (Machete-ing Under the Influence).
When he sees me drive up, he knows what I want without asking. Now & then he gives me an extra coconut because I am a "good customer". We have had but one conversation, about how his old Nissan needs a new gear box because "she is broken". To sum him (or at least, my impression of him) up, I would say he is an honest man just trying to get by.
A couple months ago, Rasta disappeared. For six days I drove past his spot, looking for his cart, only to see it all wrapped up in it's plastic, parked in it's nighttime location alongside one of the Craft Market buildings.
On the seventh day, he came back. Certainly his long absence warranted a second conversation between us.
"You're back!" I exclaimed, joyful that my coconut withdrawals would soon be over.
"Yes, I'm back." he smiled, hefting his machete.
"Good, that's good." I stated. "Is everything all right?" I asked hesitantly.
Maybe something was wrong at home, I thought. Maybe someone had died & the Rasta man had attended one of those days-long funerals that seem to be typical of the Caribbean. 'At home': I examined the phrase. Where was Rasta's home anyway? Did he even LIVE in a home? I picture him just materializing from the bush each & every morning & shimmying up coconut trees with his machete in his teeth, or maybe a big spliff, while down below his partner (because there must be one) awaits the bunches of falling coconuts (at some distance away, one would hope).
Rasta's strong bush accent is hard for me to understand. I usually only catch a few key words when he talks. Then I just sort of build a sentence out of them.
"I ---- ---- out on bail.", is what I heard him say to me.
"Bail!" I exclaim.
"I just got out." he says matter-of-factly, as if this is a usual thing. "Five days I was in jail."
"Oh!" I say, not sure of the appropriate response to that one. I try to imagine what a Hallmark Card might say in this situation:
Sorry to hear you were in JAIL!
Glad to hear you are out on BAIL!
"Jail! You're kidding!"
"No, no - they ---- ---- & took me away."
"Wow! That's awful!" I am thinking, while wearing a sympathetic expression, ah, must be the spliffs.
Rasta leans in my car window, "Yes, the Man come ---- ---- ---- & said I was ----- ----- embezzling money ----- ----- Canada. ----- ----- fly back again ---- -----."
Okay, now I am SURE that Hallmark has never dealt with THIS subject matter. It's definitely a Bob Marley song after all -
♪♪ I stole the mo-NEY,
But I did not steal from Ca-na-DA...♪♪
Luckily in the US we have developed a word for times when nothing else seems appropriate:
"Wow!" I said again. Looking for the bright side, I said, "But it's okay now, right? It's all fixed? I mean, here you are!"
"I am here now. I have to go to court next month."
"Ah...". I consider advising him not to wear his 'spliff' shirt when he goes to court, but somehow I think he must know.
"Well," I say, "I'm glad you are back. Good luck with court." I smile encouragingly.
"Yah, mon." he says.
As I drive away home I try out this new mathematical equation:
Disheveled Rasta Fruit Stand Owner = Infamous International Embezzler!!
Hmmm. Who would have guessed? It is hard for me to accept this as a valid equation. I mean, the man doesn't even have shoes. I try to imagine him all cleaned up, wearing a tuxedo in a place called Casino Grande, where he leans casually against a pillar, his dreads neatly re-braided & his grizzled sideburns shaved away. Instead of a spliff, a smoldering Cuban cigar rests between his fingers, while some eel-skin loafers adorn his gnarly feet. His connection strolls over to the Rasta man & whispers unobtrusively, "How was the weather in Havana?", to which the Rasta man replies, "It is unusually mild for this time of year." Now that they have confirmed each others identity by using the correct code phrases, the connection says, "Do you have the goods?" & my Rasta man replies, "Yes, I have all the coconuts out back--"
No. I'm sorry, forget it. I guess I just can't picture it after all.
You never know about people, tho, do you?
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Elephant Massacre
My friend Lin & I sit together on a bench next to a door on a Wednesday morning. We do some deep breathing in preparation, enjoying this last moment of silence. Then, gathering our courage, we stand & open that door.
Behind the door is a Kindergarten class. We are the Art Teachers.
When you enter a Kindergarten classroom, & you happen to be the known & loved Art Teachers, you do not just 'enter the classroom'. Immediately swarms of five-year-old's are sucked onto your legs by some invisible magnetic force. "Art Teacher, Art Teacher!" they chirp joyfully. Then the onslaught of questions & information begins as each child tugs on my leg, clamoring to be heard over the others:
"What are we going to do today?"
"I got a new pencil, see?"
"I had Lucky Charms for breakfast, with milk, & sugar & MORE sugar and-"
"My mommy forgot my paint!"
"I was watching Dora the Explorer and-"
"Irene is sitting too close to MY chair-"
There are 18 of the little beasts. After we untangle them from our legs they sit at 4 round tables. Whether the REAL classroom teacher intended it or not, the tables can, for the most part, be classified like so:
I quickly grab both of Irene's wrists to stop the gloves-in-progress, & with a hastily tossed out "I'll be there in a minute," to the 13 children that are calling for assistance, I whirl Irene out of her chair & thrust her out of the room into the care of the REAL Kindergarten teachers, who are happily enjoying their break during my session. "Here's one for you!" I exclaim breathlessly, as I twirl around to trip over Niles who is standing behind me shouting, "I'm finished, I'm finished!", while at the next table I hear Lin telling Penny that she must SHARE the pink paper with Patricia, & that Richelle should stop copying Miranda & pick different colors for her blankets.
Behind the door is a Kindergarten class. We are the Art Teachers.
When you enter a Kindergarten classroom, & you happen to be the known & loved Art Teachers, you do not just 'enter the classroom'. Immediately swarms of five-year-old's are sucked onto your legs by some invisible magnetic force. "Art Teacher, Art Teacher!" they chirp joyfully. Then the onslaught of questions & information begins as each child tugs on my leg, clamoring to be heard over the others:
"What are we going to do today?"
"I got a new pencil, see?"
"I had Lucky Charms for breakfast, with milk, & sugar & MORE sugar and-"
"My mommy forgot my paint!"
"I was watching Dora the Explorer and-"
"Irene is sitting too close to MY chair-"
There are 18 of the little beasts. After we untangle them from our legs they sit at 4 round tables. Whether the REAL classroom teacher intended it or not, the tables can, for the most part, be classified like so:
- The Fast Track
- The Slow Track
- The Daydreamers
- The Total Space Cadets
I am the 'official' art teacher; Lin is my assistant. On me lies the responsibility of coming up with a project & talking them thru it. I bring the supplies, demonstrate the steps & have a completed project for their viewing pleasure. To Lin goes the responsibility for distributing the supplies & providing extra help for the Space Cadet Table. We have one hour. No sweat.
"Good morning, class! Today we are going to make elephants!" I point to my finished creation while Lin is passing out the supplies. My elephant is a beautiful sight, a nice gray-colored body in parade dress, complete with colorful blankets, head & trunk dress, & foot coverings, made out of construction paper & topped off with a multitude of sequins (What was I thinking?) on a burgundy background.
The children are for the most part enraptured by this, tho Niles is propelling himself in & out of his chair seemingly unable to control himself, Penny is surreptitiously trying to corner the market on the pink paper at her table by sliding them one by one under her burgundy background sheet, Paul is busy flying his pencil like an airplane over Heather's head, & Gregory (at the Total Space Cadet Table) has written his name on his paper 11 times & counting. Lin swoops in to snatch his pencil while passing out scissors & glue without even breaking her stride. At 8:30 each Wednesday morning I am mildly pleased that Lin has decided to help me with this art class. By 9:30 I am ready to fall down on my knees & worship the ground she walks on.
The elephant is made like this: I have made patterns that the children trace. Then they cut out the pieces. As there is no gray construction paper here in Jamaica, they must first color a white sheet gray before they trace & cut out the elephant. There are other colors of paper for the elephant's blankets, etc. in the middle of their tables. The elephant is glued to a burgundy sheet. The sequins are the final step.
Being frugal, the sheet I provide for the gray coloring is large enough for only the elephant body & the elephant head. I illustrate how the Head & Body patterns must be arranged on the paper so that both will fit. After all my explanations are finished, in walks George, late as usual.
"Hi everybody - am I late?"
"Yes, George, you are late as always. Stop talking to everyone & go sit down." Lin drifts over to explain the project to George. Meanwhile...
- Viola has cut off her elephant's trunk & is sniveling.
- Paul has traced his elephant head directly ON TOP of his elephant body, so that when he began to cut out the head it left a hole in the body.
- Lilly's elephant body has 5 legs & is quickly trimmed by me to avert any appearance of elephant pornography.
- Chris has glued his elephant head onto his elephant butt & now he wonders aloud what has happened to it's tail.
- Janelle has glued her gray-colored paper white-side up.
- Irene is squirting a large puddle of glue onto her hands & is rubbing them together to make gloves. (Last week she painted her hands entirely blue & unfortunately led several of her classmates to believe that this was a good idea.)
- Karen has glued her elephant head upside down, so the trunk is aimed at the elephant's feet & the whole thing bears a striking resemblance to the pipes under my kitchen sink.
- Sally is telling anyone who will listen that she knows exactly how to do this elephant because her sister Vanetta did the same elephant last year.
- Gregory has found another pencil & written his name 9 more times.
I quickly grab both of Irene's wrists to stop the gloves-in-progress, & with a hastily tossed out "I'll be there in a minute," to the 13 children that are calling for assistance, I whirl Irene out of her chair & thrust her out of the room into the care of the REAL Kindergarten teachers, who are happily enjoying their break during my session. "Here's one for you!" I exclaim breathlessly, as I twirl around to trip over Niles who is standing behind me shouting, "I'm finished, I'm finished!", while at the next table I hear Lin telling Penny that she must SHARE the pink paper with Patricia, & that Richelle should stop copying Miranda & pick different colors for her blankets.
I say to Niles, "You're finished? I don't think so. Go look at my elephant & see what else you need to do." I hear Niles say he's finished about 30 times a class period. His mother must wear ear plugs. George is babbling away to Daniel about Spiderman, Viola is still grieving for her elephant's trunk as Heather helps her glue it back on. Vance is busy trying to get his pencil back from Gregory. Lin extracts the pencil & squats down with Gregory to see about the possibility of him doing something other than writing his name.
Niles has returned to his elephant only to haphazardly glue several pieces of paper on top of it. "Niles!" I say, "There is a PATTERN for the blankets. You have to trace them & cut them out. You can't just glue the paper any which way!" I peel the gluey mess off of his elephant. "OH-H-H-H!" Niles says.
Back at The Space Cadet Table Karen has glued the elephants headdress onto its tail (at least, I think it's his tail), Irene has returned with freshly washed hands, looks at Karen's upside down elephant head & glues hers the same way. Sally tells Vance that his elephant is ALL WRONG, so he is upset. At the next table Paul tells Chris that HE can NEVER come to HIS house & Viola & Heather happily cut their blankets out together. Janelle is mad at her table-mates because they have told her the SHE is not the BOSS of THEM. Lilly & Niles race to be the first to get sequins, while Miranda & Richelle giggle together. Patricia & Penny are working quietly if not amicably, & George is now regaling Daniel with the story about how he burned his hand last week. Gregory & Lin are making progress on his elephant.
Sequin time seems to be here, but I check my watch & it is suddenly 9:25. Oops - time to clean up. At this point the children must stop where they are & carry their glue-ridden elephants out to the hallway, where Lin & I will hang them til next week. Chaos ensues as kids pick up trash, scissors, & glue bottles, in between running to the bathroom to wash their hands. Do the REAL teachers come into the classroom to take control of the class while we are busy cleaning up? No, they do not. So Lin & I beat a hasty retreat, fending off queries & complaints as we snatch up our many supplies & attempt to get out of the room as fast as possible. Leaving the room is the only way to get the REAL teachers to come back inside...
Suddenly it is quiet. Lin & I stare at each other while waiting for our heart rates to come down. We can not believe it - the elephant massacre is indeed finally over. As we hang these masterpieces with clothespins along a string outside the classroom, we try to avoid hanging the ones that are literally dripping with glue over the shelf with the lunchboxes. We stand back to admire the finished display. To our relief, as happens after nearly every class, we discover the results aren't as bad as we thought. We are pleasantly surprised.
All that's left to do now is to prepare ourselves for Thursday, when we do it all over again for the First Grade...
All that's left to do now is to prepare ourselves for Thursday, when we do it all over again for the First Grade...
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
It's just "or something"...
Time for your Annual Physical - USA:
"Hello, Dr. Smith's office."
"Hello. I need to schedule my annual physical."
"Very good. When was your last physical?"
"Well, actually, it has been at least two years since the last one."
"Two years! Oh my. You know, Ma'am, it is called 'annual physical' for a reason. You are not supposed to put these things off! What is your age?"
"49."
"49? Almost 50! What have you been waiting for? You'd best come in right away! Let's see - we have an opening in 6 weeks. How about July 23rd?"
"I thought you said I should come in 'right away'?"
"That IS right away. Now, before you come to the appointment you need to drop by the office & pick up a lab form for all the blood work that Dr. Smith requires. Then just go to the lab tech & have the work done. They will forward the results to us. Be sure to get that done right away to make sure the results are available to the doctor by the time your appointment arrives."
"You mean 'right away' like 'RIGHT AWAY!', I suppose - not in 6 weeks or so..."
"Of course! Don't wait too long, because if the results are not here in time for your appointment we will have to reschedule & that might take awhile..."
"Heaven forbid!"
Time for your Annual Physical: Caribbean
"Good morning, Dr. Smith's office."
"Good morning. I need to schedule my annual physical."
"Your what?"
"My annual physical? You know, when you come to see the doctor every year to make sure everything's all right...Actually, it has been at least two years since my last one."
"Two years! & you want to come back all ready? What is your age?"
"49."
"What's wrong with you?"
"Pardon?"
"What's wrong with you? Are you sick or something?"
"No, at least I don't think so-"
"You haven't broken any bones or anything?"
"No, no-"
"What is it that you want, then?"
"A PHY-SI-CAL. I want the doctor to examine me, take my vital signs, take some blood tests & see if I need to do anything else - like a colonoscopy, or-"
"A what?"
"A CO-LON-O-SCOP-Y. It's when they- oh, never mind. I will talk to the doctor about it. Let me just make the appointment. So, if I make an appointment today, about how far in the future are we looking at for the appointment?"
"Tomorrow?"
"Oh, well, that's good, that's very quick. I think that is too soon for me, tho. How about next week?"
"Okay."
"Now, should I have some blood tests done before then?"
"Blood tests? What kind do you want?"
"What kind do I want? I mean, isn't there some sort of regular blood tests that the doctor has everyone do? Like for cholesterol?"
"You want a cholesterol test?"
"Well, probably - but, isn't the doctor going to want some others as well?"
"Why?"
"Well, I don't know why! How will he know if I am healthy or need any medication if he doesn't do some tests?"
"So, you want the doctor to do some tests?"
"Yes!"
"What tests do you want him to do?"
"How should I know? The usual ones!"
"You will have to ask him. First you see the doctor, then you come back for blood tests, then you see the doctor again, then he will ask you if you want any prescriptions..."
"HE will ask ME? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?"
Blank stare.
"Okay, look. I am just trying to save some time here. If the doctor would just let me do all the blood tests first, then I wouldn't have to come back so many times, see?"
"I could ask the lab assistant."
"Okay, great."
Waiting...
"There you are. What did the lab assistant say?"
"He wanted to know if you were sick or something..."
"Hello, Dr. Smith's office."
"Hello. I need to schedule my annual physical."
"Very good. When was your last physical?"
"Well, actually, it has been at least two years since the last one."
"Two years! Oh my. You know, Ma'am, it is called 'annual physical' for a reason. You are not supposed to put these things off! What is your age?"
"49."
"49? Almost 50! What have you been waiting for? You'd best come in right away! Let's see - we have an opening in 6 weeks. How about July 23rd?"
"I thought you said I should come in 'right away'?"
"That IS right away. Now, before you come to the appointment you need to drop by the office & pick up a lab form for all the blood work that Dr. Smith requires. Then just go to the lab tech & have the work done. They will forward the results to us. Be sure to get that done right away to make sure the results are available to the doctor by the time your appointment arrives."
"You mean 'right away' like 'RIGHT AWAY!', I suppose - not in 6 weeks or so..."
"Of course! Don't wait too long, because if the results are not here in time for your appointment we will have to reschedule & that might take awhile..."
"Heaven forbid!"
Time for your Annual Physical: Caribbean
"Good morning, Dr. Smith's office."
"Good morning. I need to schedule my annual physical."
"Your what?"
"My annual physical? You know, when you come to see the doctor every year to make sure everything's all right...Actually, it has been at least two years since my last one."
"Two years! & you want to come back all ready? What is your age?"
"49."
"What's wrong with you?"
"Pardon?"
"What's wrong with you? Are you sick or something?"
"No, at least I don't think so-"
"You haven't broken any bones or anything?"
"No, no-"
"What is it that you want, then?"
"A PHY-SI-CAL. I want the doctor to examine me, take my vital signs, take some blood tests & see if I need to do anything else - like a colonoscopy, or-"
"A what?"
"A CO-LON-O-SCOP-Y. It's when they- oh, never mind. I will talk to the doctor about it. Let me just make the appointment. So, if I make an appointment today, about how far in the future are we looking at for the appointment?"
"Tomorrow?"
"Oh, well, that's good, that's very quick. I think that is too soon for me, tho. How about next week?"
"Okay."
"Now, should I have some blood tests done before then?"
"Blood tests? What kind do you want?"
"What kind do I want? I mean, isn't there some sort of regular blood tests that the doctor has everyone do? Like for cholesterol?"
"You want a cholesterol test?"
"Well, probably - but, isn't the doctor going to want some others as well?"
"Why?"
"Well, I don't know why! How will he know if I am healthy or need any medication if he doesn't do some tests?"
"So, you want the doctor to do some tests?"
"Yes!"
"What tests do you want him to do?"
"How should I know? The usual ones!"
"You will have to ask him. First you see the doctor, then you come back for blood tests, then you see the doctor again, then he will ask you if you want any prescriptions..."
"HE will ask ME? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?"
Blank stare.
"Okay, look. I am just trying to save some time here. If the doctor would just let me do all the blood tests first, then I wouldn't have to come back so many times, see?"
"I could ask the lab assistant."
"Okay, great."
Waiting...
"There you are. What did the lab assistant say?"
"He wanted to know if you were sick or something..."
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Degrees of Zero
This week something magical occurred. My clothes were suddenly - too BIG! So, I went to that canvas bag under my bed that holds the "clothes that do not currently fit" & hauled it out. Sure enough, some of those clothes have been called back into duty. I can only say, "Yippee!"
Among the clothes lying slumbering under my bad are relics that reach back into the early '90's. Having clothes that old illustrates something I have always believed - that someone is changing the sizes of women's clothes! "Vanity sizing" they call it.
Do they think we are stupid?
I have a nice pair of black pants from 1992. As I was busy trying on all these hibernating clothes, I noticed that I have travelled from a size 14 to a tight size 10 in clothes purchased in the last decade. When I tried to put on this old pair of black pants I couldn't even get close to being able to button them. "Ah," I thought, "must be a size 8." So I put them back in the bag - but out of curiosity I quickly checked the label. What size do you think it was? It was a size 12!!
So, today's size 8 seems to be yesterdays size 12. Hmmm. They DO think we are stupid!
I mean really - vanity sizing?! Someone in the clothing industry back in the 90's was saying:
"You know, John, America's women are getting larger. My Women's Department is noticing quite an increase in the purchasing of sizes 18, 20 & 22. Have you noticed that in your stores?"
"We sure have, Stan. Not only THAT, but have you also noticed that sizes above 22 are left hanging on the rack? Women just don't want to admit that they need clothes that large! They seem to be too embarrassed to take them to the checkout line."
"Ah," said Stan, "I hadn't thought of that. A man would never let that be a concern. Women, tho..."
"Yes, women! They are not logical. Plus, we know there ARE women out there over size 22. What I want to know is what are they wearing if they are not buying clothes in their sizes?"
"Good question, John. But I think you might get together with your House-wear Department for that answer. We have seen a high demand on our 48" X 48" tablecloths..."
"Stan! You don't really think..."
"I'm not thinking anything, John. But it is a strange coincidence, you have to admit."
"What we need, Stan, is a way to get these woman to buy these clothes. Maybe a covered checkout stand, like a voting booth, you know, where a woman can check out in privacy."
"Right - & no one will notice her size as she waddles away from the register." Stan said sarcastically.
"I know, I know!" said John. "But remember, women don't think like us!"
"Actually, John, MY company has a better plan. We think we should just CHANGE all the labels!"
"Change the labels? How?"
"By changing the sizes! Think of this - if we drop a size 26 to a size 22, it will now fall into the range of what women feel is acceptable size-purchasing. Now a size 26 woman will be PROUD to shop - because look, she is now two sizes smaller! She will think she has lost weight! She will probably buy even more items than she had planned on because she will be ready to show off her weight loss!"
"What weight loss?? She hasn't lost any weight!" John demanded emphatically.
"Your point?"
"Well, Stan - you can't just change the labels. American women are not stupid! They will know what we have done!"
"And?"
"And what?
"And they will THANK us for it, John! Think of the masses of satisfied women. Today a size 12; tomorrow a size 8! What woman wouldn't be happy about that?"
"But it's just a NUMBER, Stan. It's not like they will look any different!"
"THEY won't know it. They will FEEL like they look different - that's all that matters. You may as well surrender, John, it's the way the industry is going. In 15 years we can do it again - those woman are going to keep getting larger & larger & it is up to US to keep them feeling smaller & smaller! Besides," Stan paused, "Your objections are based on a fallacy."
"Really?" said John, "What fallacy is that?"
"That American women aren't stupid. European women, now that's another story - we could never get away with something like this in Europe..."
Why would American women fall for such things? Do we really look down at our rolls of fat & imagine that we are slim as long as we shop at Chicos? (Chicos, by the way, has developed a whole new take on sizing. Their largest size is a 4.5 - which equates with a size 22. (Now is that an 'old' size 22 or a 'new' size 22? Beats me!))
After a few more 'vanity sizing' changes we will ALL be a size zero - just different degrees of zero, I suppose, to accommodate the myriad of different size zero's that will be walking around the country.
Maybe the clothing industry is right - maybe we ARE stupid! Better go out & shop for clothes now, because when we are all a size zero it is going to be much more difficult to find our size...
Among the clothes lying slumbering under my bad are relics that reach back into the early '90's. Having clothes that old illustrates something I have always believed - that someone is changing the sizes of women's clothes! "Vanity sizing" they call it.
Do they think we are stupid?
I have a nice pair of black pants from 1992. As I was busy trying on all these hibernating clothes, I noticed that I have travelled from a size 14 to a tight size 10 in clothes purchased in the last decade. When I tried to put on this old pair of black pants I couldn't even get close to being able to button them. "Ah," I thought, "must be a size 8." So I put them back in the bag - but out of curiosity I quickly checked the label. What size do you think it was? It was a size 12!!
So, today's size 8 seems to be yesterdays size 12. Hmmm. They DO think we are stupid!
I mean really - vanity sizing?! Someone in the clothing industry back in the 90's was saying:
"You know, John, America's women are getting larger. My Women's Department is noticing quite an increase in the purchasing of sizes 18, 20 & 22. Have you noticed that in your stores?"
"We sure have, Stan. Not only THAT, but have you also noticed that sizes above 22 are left hanging on the rack? Women just don't want to admit that they need clothes that large! They seem to be too embarrassed to take them to the checkout line."
"Ah," said Stan, "I hadn't thought of that. A man would never let that be a concern. Women, tho..."
"Yes, women! They are not logical. Plus, we know there ARE women out there over size 22. What I want to know is what are they wearing if they are not buying clothes in their sizes?"
"Good question, John. But I think you might get together with your House-wear Department for that answer. We have seen a high demand on our 48" X 48" tablecloths..."
"Stan! You don't really think..."
"I'm not thinking anything, John. But it is a strange coincidence, you have to admit."
"What we need, Stan, is a way to get these woman to buy these clothes. Maybe a covered checkout stand, like a voting booth, you know, where a woman can check out in privacy."
"Right - & no one will notice her size as she waddles away from the register." Stan said sarcastically.
"I know, I know!" said John. "But remember, women don't think like us!"
"Actually, John, MY company has a better plan. We think we should just CHANGE all the labels!"
"Change the labels? How?"
"By changing the sizes! Think of this - if we drop a size 26 to a size 22, it will now fall into the range of what women feel is acceptable size-purchasing. Now a size 26 woman will be PROUD to shop - because look, she is now two sizes smaller! She will think she has lost weight! She will probably buy even more items than she had planned on because she will be ready to show off her weight loss!"
"What weight loss?? She hasn't lost any weight!" John demanded emphatically.
"Your point?"
"Well, Stan - you can't just change the labels. American women are not stupid! They will know what we have done!"
"And?"
"And what?
"And they will THANK us for it, John! Think of the masses of satisfied women. Today a size 12; tomorrow a size 8! What woman wouldn't be happy about that?"
"But it's just a NUMBER, Stan. It's not like they will look any different!"
"THEY won't know it. They will FEEL like they look different - that's all that matters. You may as well surrender, John, it's the way the industry is going. In 15 years we can do it again - those woman are going to keep getting larger & larger & it is up to US to keep them feeling smaller & smaller! Besides," Stan paused, "Your objections are based on a fallacy."
"Really?" said John, "What fallacy is that?"
"That American women aren't stupid. European women, now that's another story - we could never get away with something like this in Europe..."
Why would American women fall for such things? Do we really look down at our rolls of fat & imagine that we are slim as long as we shop at Chicos? (Chicos, by the way, has developed a whole new take on sizing. Their largest size is a 4.5 - which equates with a size 22. (Now is that an 'old' size 22 or a 'new' size 22? Beats me!))
After a few more 'vanity sizing' changes we will ALL be a size zero - just different degrees of zero, I suppose, to accommodate the myriad of different size zero's that will be walking around the country.
Maybe the clothing industry is right - maybe we ARE stupid! Better go out & shop for clothes now, because when we are all a size zero it is going to be much more difficult to find our size...
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