From a brochure eye catchingly titled
COLONOSCOPY: Questions & Answers
And I quote, "...research shows that at least 12% of polyps & 4% of cancers will be missed by colonoscopy, even when done by experts."
EVEN WHEN DONE BY EXPERTS?!? Who the heck else is performing colonoscopies BESIDES experts???
So, I guess that means that if EVEN EXPERTS are missing these percentages, it wouldn't hurt for you to at least go ahead & try that Colonoscopy: Do It Yourself!! kit that you picked up last week, right?
Incredible.
~~~~~~~~
On an entirely different note, my son reported to me that not only does the detergent Tide clean your clothes better than the rest of the brands, it actually cleans them - "...6 times better than the other brands combined!"
We both had issues with that. My son wondered how suddenly the detergent technology has had this amazing breakthru, "Why just yesterday Tide was only TWICE as good!" What has changed, really? & how? "I mean, it's not like they build a car one day that goes 100 miles an hour, & then suddenly by the next day they can build one that goes 600 miles an hour!"
My issue was more with the mathematics. "Okay, so it cleans 6 times better than the other brands combined? So, if Breeze cleans X amount, & Gain cleans twice as much as that, & ALL cleans 2 times better than Gain - that's what: Tide's cleaning power can be figured out with the equation - 5X raised to the 6th power? I have to have a math degree to figure out if my clothes are 6 times whiter than they were yesterday?"
Incredible.
~~~~~~~~
All these years I have been waiting for that very popular style of young men wearing their pants belted under their (just say it) butt cheeks, leaving their underwear on full display for the world's viewing pleasure, to come to an end.
Good thing I haven't been holding my breath.
(As an aside, my boys never have, never do, & never will wear their pants this way! Why? Because I have then under my thumb? No. It's because, "We're not stupid, Mom.").
But today,
(Wait a minute - HOW can this even be comfortable?
What is the whole POINT?
To prove they HAVE underwear on at all?
To answer every mother's statement of "Well, I hope if you are ever in an accident you are at least wearing clean underwear...", with "Look, Mom, now you don't have to ask if it's clean or not, you can SEE it right here!"
To pick up girls? "Oh, hi, Jimmy, I couldn't help but notice your new plaid Hanes boxers, with the patented ComfortSoft waistband. What a turn on! Maybe you can take me out sometime!"").
Oh, never mind.
((In fact, once I saw a guy wearing underwear over his underwear! Guess there were no clean pants that day...))
But, back to today...
Today, I drove up behind a stellar young man walking down the road. A man who obviously has taken into consideration the sensibilities & feelings of the older generation. A true diplomat & hopefully a trend setter as well.
Why, you ask, were his pants pulled up where they belong?
NO! Not at all.
But, he did have the courtesy to tuck his (incredibly long) tank top into his shorts, which were belted at the knee as usual. But at least his underwear was underneath the shirt!
Now, that's what I call progress! Maybe that forward thinking young man is SIX TIMES SMARTER THAN ALL THE OTHERS COMBINED!
Maybe he should take up performing colonoscopies!
Incredible.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Walking Away
It struck me today, as I watched my boys walk away after I dropped them off for tennis, that these days are coming to an end. My oldest is sixteen, & due to our living in another country, this is most likely his last year living with us. Soon it will just be one boy I drop off at tennis. He will walk off to the courts all alone & silent, instead of laughing & joking with his older brother, the way they do now - hitting each other with their rackets, telling convoluted stories about this & that, calling each other names...
How can this be?
Of course, those boys have been walking away ever since they learned to walk. That's the whole reason TO walk; to walk away. But for all of their lives so far, they have been walking away together. That was the whole point of having two. You know, the buddy system.
What nerve they have! Growing up & becoming their own separate people! Moving away, of all things! Of course, as a parent, that would be considered a success. I mean, the hairy, smelly 16 year old sprawled all over the couch with an XBox controller in his hand is sort of cute. I don't think I would find it that cute if he were 25, you know? What a FAIL!, my boys would say.
I never thought I wanted children. I didn't like them; I couldn't imagine why I'd ever want to make more of them! In my single years, I was the one who gave parents in movie theaters & restaurants evil looks when their crying, whining children acted up. I couldn't understand why people would bring their children out in public for any other reason than to take them to school, or the doctor - you know, those outings you can't avoid. Why set yourself up for such humiliation? & babies! Worse yet - they aren't even human! Just look at them; bald, drooling, helpless, no teeth - with those disgusting melba toasts mashed up all over their faces. Eew! & they stare at you like they know something about you! Obviously alien. Not for me.
Never say never, I guess, because suddenly there I was, married & pregnant. Oh, God, I prayed, please let me like my own baby, at least.
It didn't hurt that he was the most beautiful baby on the planet - well, I guess we all know that story...
So, I had another one 20 months later, & my worries that he wouldn't be as cute as his brother were laid to rest. I was, however, savvy enough to realize that the rest of the world might not share my opinion, & with that in mind I did not take my children out in public much before they were school-aged, other than to the grocery store or the park. My oldest son first entered a movie theater when he was almost 5, & his little brother stayed at home. At 5, he was old enough to actually be able to follow the plot line. Old enough to behave - with or without popcorn.
& as the years went by, we discovered that the secret to liking your own children is raising them to be people who you enjoy hanging around with. What an opportunity - to actually turn fresh aliens into human beings that fit into your own life, share your own humor & view of the world. Screw it up at your own risk. Because if YOU don't want to hang out with them, what makes you think anyone else will want to?
We were lucky; I was able to be at home with the boys. I know not everyone has that chance. & believe me, it was not always easy. It seemed like those early years took forever! I kept wishing for them to be older, just a little older. "When will they grow up already?!", I would wonder.
I wonder no longer.
Walking away, they are always walking away. Maybe it's hard because you wonder if they will come back. But they will. I know they will. Because we made them that way. & whenever they come back, we will let them go again. That is the whole point of raising children, right?
So, I will ready myself to launch son number one, then set my sights on son number two. I will be happy. I will be sad. I will cry. & I know that when they are gone I will want them back.
But, when they ARE both gone, & my husband & I are missing them, we will turn on any Xbox game with gunfire noises, sit back with our photo albums...
& reminisce.
How can this be?
Of course, those boys have been walking away ever since they learned to walk. That's the whole reason TO walk; to walk away. But for all of their lives so far, they have been walking away together. That was the whole point of having two. You know, the buddy system.
What nerve they have! Growing up & becoming their own separate people! Moving away, of all things! Of course, as a parent, that would be considered a success. I mean, the hairy, smelly 16 year old sprawled all over the couch with an XBox controller in his hand is sort of cute. I don't think I would find it that cute if he were 25, you know? What a FAIL!, my boys would say.
I never thought I wanted children. I didn't like them; I couldn't imagine why I'd ever want to make more of them! In my single years, I was the one who gave parents in movie theaters & restaurants evil looks when their crying, whining children acted up. I couldn't understand why people would bring their children out in public for any other reason than to take them to school, or the doctor - you know, those outings you can't avoid. Why set yourself up for such humiliation? & babies! Worse yet - they aren't even human! Just look at them; bald, drooling, helpless, no teeth - with those disgusting melba toasts mashed up all over their faces. Eew! & they stare at you like they know something about you! Obviously alien. Not for me.
Never say never, I guess, because suddenly there I was, married & pregnant. Oh, God, I prayed, please let me like my own baby, at least.
It didn't hurt that he was the most beautiful baby on the planet - well, I guess we all know that story...
So, I had another one 20 months later, & my worries that he wouldn't be as cute as his brother were laid to rest. I was, however, savvy enough to realize that the rest of the world might not share my opinion, & with that in mind I did not take my children out in public much before they were school-aged, other than to the grocery store or the park. My oldest son first entered a movie theater when he was almost 5, & his little brother stayed at home. At 5, he was old enough to actually be able to follow the plot line. Old enough to behave - with or without popcorn.
& as the years went by, we discovered that the secret to liking your own children is raising them to be people who you enjoy hanging around with. What an opportunity - to actually turn fresh aliens into human beings that fit into your own life, share your own humor & view of the world. Screw it up at your own risk. Because if YOU don't want to hang out with them, what makes you think anyone else will want to?
We were lucky; I was able to be at home with the boys. I know not everyone has that chance. & believe me, it was not always easy. It seemed like those early years took forever! I kept wishing for them to be older, just a little older. "When will they grow up already?!", I would wonder.
I wonder no longer.
Walking away, they are always walking away. Maybe it's hard because you wonder if they will come back. But they will. I know they will. Because we made them that way. & whenever they come back, we will let them go again. That is the whole point of raising children, right?
So, I will ready myself to launch son number one, then set my sights on son number two. I will be happy. I will be sad. I will cry. & I know that when they are gone I will want them back.
But, when they ARE both gone, & my husband & I are missing them, we will turn on any Xbox game with gunfire noises, sit back with our photo albums...
& reminisce.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
If a Tree Falls in a Forest...
Today I must ask myself that age old question: "If I make a comment on Facebook & nobody 'like''s it, did I really make the comment?"
My Facebook says I made a comment - but we all know how trustworthy IT is...
Or, if I send an email to, oh, say, 13 people & not even ONE responds, did I really send it?
The computer says I sent it - but we all know how trustworthy SHE is...
Or, if I make comments & 'like''s & emails & nobody acknowledges any of them, in any way, EVER, do I really exist?
The scale says I exist, all 155 pounds of me, but we all know how trustworthy HE is...
If my internet goes down, does that mean that I, myself, am now off the grid of the whole human experience?
My Life; brought to you by Google...
Hmmm...
My Facebook says I made a comment - but we all know how trustworthy IT is...
Or, if I send an email to, oh, say, 13 people & not even ONE responds, did I really send it?
The computer says I sent it - but we all know how trustworthy SHE is...
Or, if I make comments & 'like''s & emails & nobody acknowledges any of them, in any way, EVER, do I really exist?
The scale says I exist, all 155 pounds of me, but we all know how trustworthy HE is...
If my internet goes down, does that mean that I, myself, am now off the grid of the whole human experience?
My Life; brought to you by Google...
Hmmm...
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Fifty Shades of Annoying
This is a "clean" summary of why I could not finish that trilogy...
"Hello there, who are you, besides being the most beautiful & amazing woman I have ever wanted to dominate in all my life?"
"I'm Ana, Mr. Grey, here to interview you for our college magazine, because you are a gazillionaire & look incredibly hot in those jeans!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mr. Grey! Why are you shopping for hardware so far away from your home in those hot jeans? Are you stalking me?"
"Why, Ana, what makes you think that? I just needed some plastic ties, & since I am a gazillionaire, I just hopped into my helicopter to come buy them here, where all of my background checks have told me that you work! Maybe we can have a drink later - I have a proposition for you!"
"Mr. Grey - a date?"
"Certainly not, Ana, I don't date. I have a special room where I take women after they sign a contract. It's in my penthouse apartment. Would you like to see it?"
"Well, yes, Mr. Grey, I would..."
"Then sign this paper."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sorry, Mr. Grey, I just could not sign the paper. But I did leave it out where my roommate can discover it & accost you with it in the next book."
"Tut, tut, Ana, now you will not be able to see my special room. But, here - take these as a token of my affection, since I am a gazillionaire after all: a Blackberry, a laptop & an Audi. This way it will be easier for me to continue stalking you without so much work."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh, Ana! I can't believe what you do to me! You are so infuriating. You tell me you are going to have a drink at home with your friend & then I discover that you are having a drink out in a BAR! The two men I have tailing you, er, guarding you have told me of your indiscretion. I am going to hop in my jet, since, as you may have noticed, I am a gazillionaire, & come home & chastise you!"
"I'm sorry, Christopher, I had NO IDEA you would be this upset. It is true that the constant phone calls, emails & visual surveillance should have given me a clue, but I'm just stupid like that. I am sorry you will have to waste your time flying across the country to punish me - but I do hope you will wear those hot jeans of yours!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh Christopher, I don't like to be punished! I think we must break up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ONE WEEK & ONE BOOK LATER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh Ana! My life has been hell without you this past week! I realize I cannot be without you! I will not punish you again."
"Oh Christopher, if only we can find out why you have these control issues!"
"It is because of my bad childhood."
"You mean you weren't always a gazillionaire?"
"No - my issues have made me who I am."
"We need to talk about your issues with a psychiatrist. I am having some issues with your issues, Mr. Grey!"
"Well, I won't talk about MY issues, but we can go ahead & talk about your issues WITH my issues, if you think that will help. By the way, you don't have to rush off to work this morning because I just bought the company you work for & fired your psycho boss."
"Do you see, Christopher, what is wrong with that?! That makes me mad, even tho you do look hot standing there in those jeans that hang that way!"
"Are you going to defy me, Ana?"
"No, Christopher, never again. I can't live without you either!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LATER...AFTER ANA DEFIES MR. GREY YET AGAIN & AGAIN, & HE PUNISHES HER (WITH HER CONSENT) YET AGAIN & AGAIN & THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER "I DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD LIVE WITHOUT YOU!" YET AGAIN & AGAIN...
AFTER 100,
NO, 200!
NO, 300! PAGES...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ana, I need you to be my wife! You are the most amazing & beautiful woman who has defied me yet again & again & lived to tell the tale!"
"Oh Christopher, my dream to marry a total control freak gazillionaire has come true! Yes, I will marry you! Shall we save our wedding for Book 3?"
"Anything you want, my love, as long as I approve."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AT THE WEDDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Do you, Christopher, take this woman, Anastasia, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have & to hold, to follow & to spy upon, for richer & even richer, til death do you part?"
"I do."
"Do you, Anastasia, take this man, Christopher, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have & to hold, to submit & to serve (but not to obey!), til death do you part?"
"I do."
"Christopher, you may now place the handcuffs on your wife! Let me be the first to introduce to all the world, Mr. & Mrs. Gazillionaire Grey!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh, Mrs. Grey, I am so happy!"
"Oh, Mr. Grey, I am so happy!"
"I could never live without you, Mrs. Grey!"
"We will never be apart, Mr. Grey!"
"But what about all my unresolved control issues & my need to punish you fully while wearing your favorite pair of hot jeans? Will that stand in the way of our love, Mrs. Grey?"
"No! I would NEVER leave you, Mr. Grey."**
**this conversation, in some version or another, can be found on every other odd page number up until about page 457 of Book 3.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHEN SUDDENLY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mrs. Grey, this is your psycho ex-boss, calling to tell you I have kidnapped your gazillionaire husband's sister & I want five million dollars. If you tell anyone, she dies!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANA RUNS TO THE BANK TO WITHDRAW THE FIVE MILLION DOLLARS (YOU KNOW, LIKE WE ALL COULD IF WE NEEDED TO). THE BANK CALLS HER HUSBAND, WHO THEN SAYS TO ANA:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're leaving me, Ana?"
"No!"
"But then why do you need all that money?"
Pause.
Then she says,
"Yes. Yes, I am leaving you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...at which point Helen tosses the book in disgust on her bed.
That's it. I can't take any more...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mr. Grey! Why are you shopping for hardware so far away from your home in those hot jeans? Are you stalking me?"
"Why, Ana, what makes you think that? I just needed some plastic ties, & since I am a gazillionaire, I just hopped into my helicopter to come buy them here, where all of my background checks have told me that you work! Maybe we can have a drink later - I have a proposition for you!"
"Mr. Grey - a date?"
"Certainly not, Ana, I don't date. I have a special room where I take women after they sign a contract. It's in my penthouse apartment. Would you like to see it?"
"Well, yes, Mr. Grey, I would..."
"Then sign this paper."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sorry, Mr. Grey, I just could not sign the paper. But I did leave it out where my roommate can discover it & accost you with it in the next book."
"Tut, tut, Ana, now you will not be able to see my special room. But, here - take these as a token of my affection, since I am a gazillionaire after all: a Blackberry, a laptop & an Audi. This way it will be easier for me to continue stalking you without so much work."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh, Ana! I can't believe what you do to me! You are so infuriating. You tell me you are going to have a drink at home with your friend & then I discover that you are having a drink out in a BAR! The two men I have tailing you, er, guarding you have told me of your indiscretion. I am going to hop in my jet, since, as you may have noticed, I am a gazillionaire, & come home & chastise you!"
"I'm sorry, Christopher, I had NO IDEA you would be this upset. It is true that the constant phone calls, emails & visual surveillance should have given me a clue, but I'm just stupid like that. I am sorry you will have to waste your time flying across the country to punish me - but I do hope you will wear those hot jeans of yours!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh Christopher, I don't like to be punished! I think we must break up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ONE WEEK & ONE BOOK LATER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh Ana! My life has been hell without you this past week! I realize I cannot be without you! I will not punish you again."
"Oh Christopher, if only we can find out why you have these control issues!"
"It is because of my bad childhood."
"You mean you weren't always a gazillionaire?"
"No - my issues have made me who I am."
"We need to talk about your issues with a psychiatrist. I am having some issues with your issues, Mr. Grey!"
"Well, I won't talk about MY issues, but we can go ahead & talk about your issues WITH my issues, if you think that will help. By the way, you don't have to rush off to work this morning because I just bought the company you work for & fired your psycho boss."
"Do you see, Christopher, what is wrong with that?! That makes me mad, even tho you do look hot standing there in those jeans that hang that way!"
"Are you going to defy me, Ana?"
"No, Christopher, never again. I can't live without you either!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LATER...AFTER ANA DEFIES MR. GREY YET AGAIN & AGAIN, & HE PUNISHES HER (WITH HER CONSENT) YET AGAIN & AGAIN & THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER "I DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD LIVE WITHOUT YOU!" YET AGAIN & AGAIN...
AFTER 100,
NO, 200!
NO, 300! PAGES...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ana, I need you to be my wife! You are the most amazing & beautiful woman who has defied me yet again & again & lived to tell the tale!"
"Oh Christopher, my dream to marry a total control freak gazillionaire has come true! Yes, I will marry you! Shall we save our wedding for Book 3?"
"Anything you want, my love, as long as I approve."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AT THE WEDDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Do you, Christopher, take this woman, Anastasia, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have & to hold, to follow & to spy upon, for richer & even richer, til death do you part?"
"I do."
"Do you, Anastasia, take this man, Christopher, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have & to hold, to submit & to serve (but not to obey!), til death do you part?"
"I do."
"Christopher, you may now place the handcuffs on your wife! Let me be the first to introduce to all the world, Mr. & Mrs. Gazillionaire Grey!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh, Mrs. Grey, I am so happy!"
"Oh, Mr. Grey, I am so happy!"
"I could never live without you, Mrs. Grey!"
"We will never be apart, Mr. Grey!"
"But what about all my unresolved control issues & my need to punish you fully while wearing your favorite pair of hot jeans? Will that stand in the way of our love, Mrs. Grey?"
"No! I would NEVER leave you, Mr. Grey."**
**this conversation, in some version or another, can be found on every other odd page number up until about page 457 of Book 3.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHEN SUDDENLY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mrs. Grey, this is your psycho ex-boss, calling to tell you I have kidnapped your gazillionaire husband's sister & I want five million dollars. If you tell anyone, she dies!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANA RUNS TO THE BANK TO WITHDRAW THE FIVE MILLION DOLLARS (YOU KNOW, LIKE WE ALL COULD IF WE NEEDED TO). THE BANK CALLS HER HUSBAND, WHO THEN SAYS TO ANA:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're leaving me, Ana?"
"No!"
"But then why do you need all that money?"
Pause.
Then she says,
"Yes. Yes, I am leaving you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...at which point Helen tosses the book in disgust on her bed.
That's it. I can't take any more...
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Here in Jamaica
Here in Jamaica...there are lots of gates. Every morning I leave our gated townhouse, take my husband to his gated hotel, take my kids to a different gated hotel where their gated school is located. I spend my morning waving to Security Guards. I am thinking that being a Security Guard must be one of the top vocations in this country...
Here in Jamaica...the answer to "Thank you" is not "You're welcome"; it is "Okay."
Here in Jamaica...it no longer disgusts me to see a homeless man naked by the ocean (along a busy street in town, thank you) washing himself with a rag. These days I am thinking it is commendable that he is keeping himself clean!
Here in Jamaica...ink pens are expensive. Brands like Bic, Papermate & Pilot are sold singly in Pharmacies & cost almost $3 a pen. When buying a pen, it is traditional to stand at the register, opening each pen & scribbling on a paper provided by the cashier for just this purpose, to ensure the pen is working. Waiting in line behind people doing this I was at first annoyed. Now I scribble away with the rest of them - at $3 a pop, you can bet I want my pen to be working! Or, if you prefer, you can buy a pack of 12 brandless pens from China at the Megamart, & if you are lucky the whole pack of pens might work for a day or two...
Here in Jamaica...you do not say "Hello". You say either "Good Morning" or "Good Afternoon" as appropriate.
Here in Jamaica...when we need a mechanic, he comes to our house on Saturday, leaves his car (which is a much pricier car than ours!), takes ours away, fixes it & brings it back in the evening. Now that's what I call service!
Here in Jamaica...the policemen don't chase cars - they wait for the cars to come to them. The police cars drive around with their blue lights on at night for no reason. I am thinking they either just like the pretty blue color, or they don't know where the "OFF" switch is. My husband did notice tho, that at the scene of an accident the police turned their lights off. Hmmm...
Here in Jamaica...there grows the best fruit in all the world - the Keith Mango. It can get to be as big as a cantaloupe! Also, the best coffee, the world famous Blue Mountain Coffee.
Here in Jamaica...the rasta man that sells me coconuts is barefoot, but he does wear a phone with a headset.
Here in Jamaica...there are no coupons. Sometimes there may be a special in-store promotion on something & this is how it goes:
A woman employee walks around the store with a cart of batteries. She tells me I can buy a pack of batteries & get one free. In order to do this I must go to the register & pay separately for the first pack of batteries. The batteries can be the ONLY item on my receipt. Then I must go back into the store with this receipt & show it to the battery lady. Next, I must fill out something with my name, etc. Then the battery lady fills out some other info. Then she comes with me to the register where I show this paper & the other pack of batteries to the employee there. Finally I am done. Needless to say, I usually don't bother with in-store promotions - they are just too time consuming...
Here in Jamaica...it is okay to call a person white, black, dark brown, light brown, etc. when talking about them.
Here in Jamaica...power is very expensive. In the summer time, when the A/C runs the most, our bill can run up to $750 a month for our 3 bedroom townhouse.
Here in Jamaica...I am not allowed to pump my own gas.
Here in Jamaica...it is hard to find a street sign. To this day I have no idea what the names are of the two roads I drive on to get to my house after turning off the highway. The only reason I know the name of the street we live on is because it shows up on the utility bill. This makes it tricky when giving people driving directions.
Here in Jamaica...they run out of things. Like there may or may not be ground beef this week, or coffee creamer or your favorite brand of whatever. This often causes hoarding (at least at my house ;)).
Here in Jamaica...the country had it's 50th birthday this year...& so did I!
Here in Jamaica...the answer to "Thank you" is not "You're welcome"; it is "Okay."
Here in Jamaica...it no longer disgusts me to see a homeless man naked by the ocean (along a busy street in town, thank you) washing himself with a rag. These days I am thinking it is commendable that he is keeping himself clean!
Here in Jamaica...ink pens are expensive. Brands like Bic, Papermate & Pilot are sold singly in Pharmacies & cost almost $3 a pen. When buying a pen, it is traditional to stand at the register, opening each pen & scribbling on a paper provided by the cashier for just this purpose, to ensure the pen is working. Waiting in line behind people doing this I was at first annoyed. Now I scribble away with the rest of them - at $3 a pop, you can bet I want my pen to be working! Or, if you prefer, you can buy a pack of 12 brandless pens from China at the Megamart, & if you are lucky the whole pack of pens might work for a day or two...
Here in Jamaica...you do not say "Hello". You say either "Good Morning" or "Good Afternoon" as appropriate.
Here in Jamaica...when we need a mechanic, he comes to our house on Saturday, leaves his car (which is a much pricier car than ours!), takes ours away, fixes it & brings it back in the evening. Now that's what I call service!
Here in Jamaica...the policemen don't chase cars - they wait for the cars to come to them. The police cars drive around with their blue lights on at night for no reason. I am thinking they either just like the pretty blue color, or they don't know where the "OFF" switch is. My husband did notice tho, that at the scene of an accident the police turned their lights off. Hmmm...
Here in Jamaica...there grows the best fruit in all the world - the Keith Mango. It can get to be as big as a cantaloupe! Also, the best coffee, the world famous Blue Mountain Coffee.
Here in Jamaica...the rasta man that sells me coconuts is barefoot, but he does wear a phone with a headset.
Here in Jamaica...there are no coupons. Sometimes there may be a special in-store promotion on something & this is how it goes:
A woman employee walks around the store with a cart of batteries. She tells me I can buy a pack of batteries & get one free. In order to do this I must go to the register & pay separately for the first pack of batteries. The batteries can be the ONLY item on my receipt. Then I must go back into the store with this receipt & show it to the battery lady. Next, I must fill out something with my name, etc. Then the battery lady fills out some other info. Then she comes with me to the register where I show this paper & the other pack of batteries to the employee there. Finally I am done. Needless to say, I usually don't bother with in-store promotions - they are just too time consuming...
Here in Jamaica...it is okay to call a person white, black, dark brown, light brown, etc. when talking about them.
Here in Jamaica...power is very expensive. In the summer time, when the A/C runs the most, our bill can run up to $750 a month for our 3 bedroom townhouse.
Here in Jamaica...I am not allowed to pump my own gas.
Here in Jamaica...it is hard to find a street sign. To this day I have no idea what the names are of the two roads I drive on to get to my house after turning off the highway. The only reason I know the name of the street we live on is because it shows up on the utility bill. This makes it tricky when giving people driving directions.
Here in Jamaica...they run out of things. Like there may or may not be ground beef this week, or coffee creamer or your favorite brand of whatever. This often causes hoarding (at least at my house ;)).
Here in Jamaica...the country had it's 50th birthday this year...& so did I!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)