Walking Away

It struck me today, as I watched my boys walk away after I dropped them off for tennis, that these days are coming to an end.  My oldest is sixteen, & due to our living in another country, this is most likely his last year living with us.  Soon it will just be one boy I drop off at tennis.  He will walk off to the courts all alone & silent, instead of laughing & joking with his older brother, the way they do now - hitting each other with their rackets, telling convoluted stories about this & that, calling each other names...

How can this be?

Of course, those boys have been walking away ever since they learned to walk.  That's the whole reason TO walk; to walk away.  But for all of their lives so far, they have been walking away together.  That was the whole point of having two.  You know, the buddy system.

What nerve they have!  Growing up & becoming their own separate people!  Moving away, of all things!  Of course, as a parent, that would be considered a success.  I mean, the hairy, smelly 16 year old sprawled all over the couch with an XBox controller in his hand is sort of cute.  I don't think I would find it that cute if he were 25, you know?  What a FAIL!, my boys would say.

I never thought I wanted children.  I didn't like them; I couldn't imagine why I'd ever want to make more of them!  In my single years, I was the one who gave parents in movie theaters & restaurants evil looks when their crying, whining children acted up.  I couldn't understand why people would bring their children out in public for any other reason than to take them to school, or the doctor - you know, those outings you can't avoid.  Why set yourself up for such humiliation?  & babies!  Worse yet - they aren't even human!  Just look at them; bald, drooling, helpless, no teeth - with those disgusting melba toasts mashed up all over their faces.  Eew!  & they stare at you like they know something about you!  Obviously alien.  Not for me.

Never say never, I guess, because suddenly there I was, married & pregnant.  Oh, God, I prayed, please let me like my own baby, at least.

It didn't hurt that he was the most beautiful baby on the planet - well, I guess we all know that story...

So, I had another one 20 months later, & my worries that he wouldn't be as cute as his brother were laid to rest.  I was, however, savvy enough to realize that the rest of the world might not share my opinion, & with that in mind I did not take my children out in public much before they were school-aged, other than to the grocery store or the park.  My oldest son first entered a movie theater when he was almost 5, & his little brother stayed at home.  At 5, he was old enough to actually be able to follow the plot line.  Old enough to behave - with or without popcorn.  

& as the years went by, we discovered that the secret to liking your own children is raising them to be people who you enjoy hanging around with.  What an opportunity - to actually turn fresh aliens into human beings that fit into your own life, share your own humor & view of the world.  Screw it up at your own risk.  Because if YOU don't want to hang out with them, what makes you think anyone else will want to?

We were lucky;  I was able to be at home with the boys.  I know not everyone has that chance.  & believe me, it was not always easy.  It seemed like those early years took forever!  I kept wishing for them to be older, just a little older.  "When will they grow up already?!", I would wonder.

I wonder no longer.

Walking away, they are always walking away.  Maybe it's hard because you wonder if they will come back.  But they will.  I know they will.  Because we made them that way.  & whenever they come back, we will let them go again.  That is the whole point of raising children, right?

So, I will ready myself to launch son number one, then set my sights on son number two.  I will be happy.  I will be sad.  I will cry.  & I know that when they are gone I will want them back.

But, when they ARE both gone, & my husband & I are missing them, we will turn on any Xbox game with gunfire noises, sit back with our photo albums...

& reminisce.