"Hello there, who are you, besides being the most beautiful & amazing woman I have ever wanted to dominate in all my life?"
"I'm Ana, Mr. Grey, here to interview you for our college magazine, because you are a gazillionaire & look incredibly hot in those jeans!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mr. Grey! Why are you shopping for hardware so far away from your home in those hot jeans? Are you stalking me?"
"Why, Ana, what makes you think that? I just needed some plastic ties, & since I am a gazillionaire, I just hopped into my helicopter to come buy them here, where all of my background checks have told me that you work! Maybe we can have a drink later - I have a proposition for you!"
"Mr. Grey - a date?"
"Certainly not, Ana, I don't date. I have a special room where I take women after they sign a contract. It's in my penthouse apartment. Would you like to see it?"
"Well, yes, Mr. Grey, I would..."
"Then sign this paper."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sorry, Mr. Grey, I just could not sign the paper. But I did leave it out where my roommate can discover it & accost you with it in the next book."
"Tut, tut, Ana, now you will not be able to see my special room. But, here - take these as a token of my affection, since I am a gazillionaire after all: a Blackberry, a laptop & an Audi. This way it will be easier for me to continue stalking you without so much work."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh, Ana! I can't believe what you do to me! You are so infuriating. You tell me you are going to have a drink at home with your friend & then I discover that you are having a drink out in a BAR! The two men I have tailing you, er, guarding you have told me of your indiscretion. I am going to hop in my jet, since, as you may have noticed, I am a gazillionaire, & come home & chastise you!"
"I'm sorry, Christopher, I had NO IDEA you would be this upset. It is true that the constant phone calls, emails & visual surveillance should have given me a clue, but I'm just stupid like that. I am sorry you will have to waste your time flying across the country to punish me - but I do hope you will wear those hot jeans of yours!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh Christopher, I don't like to be punished! I think we must break up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ONE WEEK & ONE BOOK LATER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh Ana! My life has been hell without you this past week! I realize I cannot be without you! I will not punish you again."
"Oh Christopher, if only we can find out why you have these control issues!"
"It is because of my bad childhood."
"You mean you weren't always a gazillionaire?"
"No - my issues have made me who I am."
"We need to talk about your issues with a psychiatrist. I am having some issues with your issues, Mr. Grey!"
"Well, I won't talk about MY issues, but we can go ahead & talk about your issues WITH my issues, if you think that will help. By the way, you don't have to rush off to work this morning because I just bought the company you work for & fired your psycho boss."
"Do you see, Christopher, what is wrong with that?! That makes me mad, even tho you do look hot standing there in those jeans that hang that way!"
"Are you going to defy me, Ana?"
"No, Christopher, never again. I can't live without you either!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LATER...AFTER ANA DEFIES MR. GREY YET AGAIN & AGAIN, & HE PUNISHES HER (WITH HER CONSENT) YET AGAIN & AGAIN & THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER "I DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD LIVE WITHOUT YOU!" YET AGAIN & AGAIN...
AFTER 100,
NO, 200!
NO, 300! PAGES...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ana, I need you to be my wife! You are the most amazing & beautiful woman who has defied me yet again & again & lived to tell the tale!"
"Oh Christopher, my dream to marry a total control freak gazillionaire has come true! Yes, I will marry you! Shall we save our wedding for Book 3?"
"Anything you want, my love, as long as I approve."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AT THE WEDDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Do you, Christopher, take this woman, Anastasia, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have & to hold, to follow & to spy upon, for richer & even richer, til death do you part?"
"I do."
"Do you, Anastasia, take this man, Christopher, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have & to hold, to submit & to serve (but not to obey!), til death do you part?"
"I do."
"Christopher, you may now place the handcuffs on your wife! Let me be the first to introduce to all the world, Mr. & Mrs. Gazillionaire Grey!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh, Mrs. Grey, I am so happy!"
"Oh, Mr. Grey, I am so happy!"
"I could never live without you, Mrs. Grey!"
"We will never be apart, Mr. Grey!"
"But what about all my unresolved control issues & my need to punish you fully while wearing your favorite pair of hot jeans? Will that stand in the way of our love, Mrs. Grey?"
"No! I would NEVER leave you, Mr. Grey."**
**this conversation, in some version or another, can be found on every other odd page number up until about page 457 of Book 3.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHEN SUDDENLY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mrs. Grey, this is your psycho ex-boss, calling to tell you I have kidnapped your gazillionaire husband's sister & I want five million dollars. If you tell anyone, she dies!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANA RUNS TO THE BANK TO WITHDRAW THE FIVE MILLION DOLLARS (YOU KNOW, LIKE WE ALL COULD IF WE NEEDED TO). THE BANK CALLS HER HUSBAND, WHO THEN SAYS TO ANA:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're leaving me, Ana?"
"No!"
"But then why do you need all that money?"
Pause.
Then she says,
"Yes. Yes, I am leaving you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...at which point Helen tosses the book in disgust on her bed.
That's it. I can't take any more...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mr. Grey! Why are you shopping for hardware so far away from your home in those hot jeans? Are you stalking me?"
"Why, Ana, what makes you think that? I just needed some plastic ties, & since I am a gazillionaire, I just hopped into my helicopter to come buy them here, where all of my background checks have told me that you work! Maybe we can have a drink later - I have a proposition for you!"
"Mr. Grey - a date?"
"Certainly not, Ana, I don't date. I have a special room where I take women after they sign a contract. It's in my penthouse apartment. Would you like to see it?"
"Well, yes, Mr. Grey, I would..."
"Then sign this paper."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sorry, Mr. Grey, I just could not sign the paper. But I did leave it out where my roommate can discover it & accost you with it in the next book."
"Tut, tut, Ana, now you will not be able to see my special room. But, here - take these as a token of my affection, since I am a gazillionaire after all: a Blackberry, a laptop & an Audi. This way it will be easier for me to continue stalking you without so much work."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh, Ana! I can't believe what you do to me! You are so infuriating. You tell me you are going to have a drink at home with your friend & then I discover that you are having a drink out in a BAR! The two men I have tailing you, er, guarding you have told me of your indiscretion. I am going to hop in my jet, since, as you may have noticed, I am a gazillionaire, & come home & chastise you!"
"I'm sorry, Christopher, I had NO IDEA you would be this upset. It is true that the constant phone calls, emails & visual surveillance should have given me a clue, but I'm just stupid like that. I am sorry you will have to waste your time flying across the country to punish me - but I do hope you will wear those hot jeans of yours!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh Christopher, I don't like to be punished! I think we must break up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ONE WEEK & ONE BOOK LATER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh Ana! My life has been hell without you this past week! I realize I cannot be without you! I will not punish you again."
"Oh Christopher, if only we can find out why you have these control issues!"
"It is because of my bad childhood."
"You mean you weren't always a gazillionaire?"
"No - my issues have made me who I am."
"We need to talk about your issues with a psychiatrist. I am having some issues with your issues, Mr. Grey!"
"Well, I won't talk about MY issues, but we can go ahead & talk about your issues WITH my issues, if you think that will help. By the way, you don't have to rush off to work this morning because I just bought the company you work for & fired your psycho boss."
"Do you see, Christopher, what is wrong with that?! That makes me mad, even tho you do look hot standing there in those jeans that hang that way!"
"Are you going to defy me, Ana?"
"No, Christopher, never again. I can't live without you either!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LATER...AFTER ANA DEFIES MR. GREY YET AGAIN & AGAIN, & HE PUNISHES HER (WITH HER CONSENT) YET AGAIN & AGAIN & THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER "I DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD LIVE WITHOUT YOU!" YET AGAIN & AGAIN...
AFTER 100,
NO, 200!
NO, 300! PAGES...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ana, I need you to be my wife! You are the most amazing & beautiful woman who has defied me yet again & again & lived to tell the tale!"
"Oh Christopher, my dream to marry a total control freak gazillionaire has come true! Yes, I will marry you! Shall we save our wedding for Book 3?"
"Anything you want, my love, as long as I approve."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AT THE WEDDING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Do you, Christopher, take this woman, Anastasia, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have & to hold, to follow & to spy upon, for richer & even richer, til death do you part?"
"I do."
"Do you, Anastasia, take this man, Christopher, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have & to hold, to submit & to serve (but not to obey!), til death do you part?"
"I do."
"Christopher, you may now place the handcuffs on your wife! Let me be the first to introduce to all the world, Mr. & Mrs. Gazillionaire Grey!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh, Mrs. Grey, I am so happy!"
"Oh, Mr. Grey, I am so happy!"
"I could never live without you, Mrs. Grey!"
"We will never be apart, Mr. Grey!"
"But what about all my unresolved control issues & my need to punish you fully while wearing your favorite pair of hot jeans? Will that stand in the way of our love, Mrs. Grey?"
"No! I would NEVER leave you, Mr. Grey."**
**this conversation, in some version or another, can be found on every other odd page number up until about page 457 of Book 3.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHEN SUDDENLY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mrs. Grey, this is your psycho ex-boss, calling to tell you I have kidnapped your gazillionaire husband's sister & I want five million dollars. If you tell anyone, she dies!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANA RUNS TO THE BANK TO WITHDRAW THE FIVE MILLION DOLLARS (YOU KNOW, LIKE WE ALL COULD IF WE NEEDED TO). THE BANK CALLS HER HUSBAND, WHO THEN SAYS TO ANA:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're leaving me, Ana?"
"No!"
"But then why do you need all that money?"
Pause.
Then she says,
"Yes. Yes, I am leaving you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...at which point Helen tosses the book in disgust on her bed.
That's it. I can't take any more...
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