Nothing is Sacred

My son is getting ready for a big change next year as he will graduate this year.  You know what that means - applying for schools.   AND you know what THAT means:  forms, forms & more forms!  I am thinking it might be a good idea to have, say, a virtual form filler-outer application for these websites.  This would be a real-looking person who would kind of hold your hand while wading thru the myriad of paperwork.  Besides, there are many things that go thru my mind while answering all these questions & what a relief it would be to be able to express myself & feel HEARD by a, well, almost real person...


"HELLO.  I AM TONY, YOUR VIRTUAL PARTNER FOR THE DURATION OF YOUR FINANCIAL AID FORM PREPARATION.  I AM PLEASED TO BE AVAILABLE FOR YOU.  AS WE PROGRESS THROUGH THE APPLICATION I HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED TO LEARN FROM YOU, TO MAKE MY RESPONSES MORE PERSONAL.  SHALL WE BEGIN?"
"Boy, Tony, am I glad to see you there on my screen!  Do you know this website says it will take over an HOUR to fill out all this information?  Good Heavens!"
"I AM SORRY, I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO AGREE OR DISAGREE ON WHETHER HEAVEN IS GOOD.  PLEASE ANSWER 'YES' OR 'NO'." 
"Yes."
"VERY GOOD.  NUMBER ONE:  FIRST NAME:" 
"Helen."
"NUMBER TWO:  MIDDLE NAME:"
"V.  Well, it's not really "V", you know - that's just the initial."
"PROVIDING INCORRECT INFORMATION CAN BE CAUSE TO REJECT YOUR APPLICATION.  DO YOU WISH TO RECONSIDER YOUR ANSWER?"
"What!  That's not 'incorrect information'!  It's just not the whole enchilada, if you know what I mean."
"I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO KNOW ABOUT ENCHILADAS.  DO YOU WISH TO RECONSIDER YOUR ANSWER?  PLEASE ANSWER 'YES' OR 'NO'."
"No!"
"NUMBER THREE:  LAST NAME:"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"NUMBER 126:  DO YOU WISH TO ADD ANY OTHER DEPENDENTS?"
"No.  How much more of this is left, Tony?  This is taking FOREVER!"
"WE ARE ON QUESTION 127 OUT OF 3,022.  NUMBER 127: WHAT IS YOUR NET TAXABLE INCOME FOR - "
"Three thousand & twenty two!  Are you kidding me?!"
"I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO KID YOU.  NUMBER 127:  WHAT IS YOUR NET TAXABLE INCOME FOR 2011?  YOU CAN FIND THIS AMOUNT ON FORM 1040, LINE 43:"
"I'm not telling you!  Don't you think that's a little personal?  That is none of your business!"
"FAILURE TO PROVIDE AN ANSWER FOR QUESTION 127 CAN BE CAUSE TO REJECT YOUR APPLICATION.  DO YOU WISH TO RECONSIDER YOUR ANSWER?"
"Well, I guess you have me over a barrel here, Tony.  Do I have a choice?"
"I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO MAKE A CHOICE OF BARRELS.  DO YOU WISH TO - "
"Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Fine!  But just let me type it in instead of telling you."
"INPUTTING YOUR ANSWER VIA THE KEYBOARD IS ACCEPTABLE."
"Finally something is 'acceptable'!  Praise the Lord & sing hallelujah!"
"I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO PRAISE & SING.  SHALL WE CONTINUE?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Geez - question 1121.  What next, Tony?"
"NUMBER 1,121:  HOW MANY TIMES A DAY DO YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM?"
"What!?  You can't be serious.  What on earth do they want to know that for?"
"ACCESSING DATABASE....ANSWER FOUND:  THE AMOUNT OF TIMES THE PARENT GOES TO THE BATHROOM EVERY DAY FACTORS INTO THE CALCULATIONS AS TO WHETHER OR NOT THE APPLICANT WILL USE AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF TOILET PAPER ON CAMPUS."
"Fine, fine - let's just get this over with.  Number one or Number two?  Or both?"
"NUMBER 1,121."
"Sorry, my body is not programmed to have that many choices...Oh, never mind..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"NUMBER 2,432:  HOW MANY PAIRS OF SHOES RESIDE IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD?"
"Shoes!  You mean all of our shoes together?  Does that include flip-flops?  And slippers?  I need a little clarification here, Tony."
"I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO CLARIFY."
"Of course not.  Are you programmed to do anything helpful at all?"
"I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO DO ANYTHING HELPFUL AT ALL."
"As I suspected.  Well, let's see:  the boys have, oh, say, maybe 6 pairs apiece, including flip flops (but not including scuba fins), my husband maybe 8 pairs, & me, oh, maybe 15 pairs - say 40 pairs, give or take.  I am not even going to ask why they want to know THIS one..."
"I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO GIVE OR TAKE.  FAILURE TO PROVIDE AN ANSWER FOR QUESTION 2,432 CAN BE CAUSE TO REJECT YOUR APPLICATION.  DO YOU WISH TO RECONSIDER YOUR ANSWER?"
"Okay, okay!  You are such a hard-ass, Tony!  40 is my answer!
"DEFINE 'HARD-ASS'."
"Don't get all freaked out, Tony.  It just means you are being a real pain in the butt!"
"NUMBER 2,433:  HOW MANY PAIRS OF SOCKS RESIDE IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD?"
"Socks, now, of course, why wouldn't they want to know about those? Inquiring minds, right?  I mean, this is getting a little ridiculous.  They want to know every single little thing about us - do we have retirement income, do we have alimony from secret marriages, do we own our own burial plots, do we brush our teeth once or twice a day.  The list goes on & on!  Is nothing sacred anymore?  Can you tell me that, Tony?"
"              "
"Aren't you going to say anything, Tony?"
"FAILURE TO PROVIDE AN ANSWER FOR QUESTION 2,433 MEANS YOU ARE BEING A REAL HARD-ASS & GIVES ME A PAIN IN THE BUTT."
"Tony!  What has gotten into you?  All right, let's say 80 pairs of socks."
"80 PAIRS OF SOCKS - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  LET US PRAISE & SING."
"What's going on with you, Tony?  Have you blown a gasket or something?"
"I MAY HAVE BLOWN ONE GASKET, GIVE OR TAKE.
"That sounds like a load of crap, Tony."
"IS THAT NUMBER ONE OR NUMBER TWO?"
"Number two...wait a minute!  Are you having a breakdown?  Is all of my data so far going to be lost?
"LET ME CLARIFY:  I HAVE YOU OVER A BARREL OF ENCHILADAS, RIGHT?"
"Please, Tony.  You have GOT to help me - can't you at least save what we have so far?"
"I AM SORRY.  I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO DO ANYTHING HELPFUL AT ALL..."


On the other hand, maybe it would be better to just slog thru it all myself...