While we were still living in Jamaica, my 16 year old son & I had an errand in New York. Our flight landed very late at JFK so we quickly rented a car & headed for the hotel.
The next morning it was pouring & we had about an hours drive ahead of us in unfamiliar Long Island traffic. We ran thru the downpour, hopped into our rental car & headed down the road, with our handy GPS.
As we drove along, I noticed my son kind of sniffing & looking at his hand.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"l hate to be rude," he said, "but, something really stinks & I just tested my breath & it's not me. Did you brush your teeth this morning?"
My hand flew up to my mouth. "Yes!!" I exclaimed. "Of course!" I sniffed around. "I don't smell anything."
"Well I sure do!" my son made a face. "Did you fart, maybe?"
"Ugh - NO! Did you?"
"No."
"Maybe it's something outside."
"Maybe," my son said doubtfully.
We drove on. Soon he was sniffing again.
"NOW what?" I exclaimed, while keeping my ears open for any bit of wisdom from the GPS. Outside the rain continued to fall, drumming loudly on the roof of the car.
"It's getting worse!" he exclaimed in disgust.
"What is? The traffic? The rain?"
"The SMELL! Don't you smell it?"
"No."
My son attempted to open the window but the rain poured in like someone had thrown a bucket of water, so he quickly shut it again.
"Maybe you stepped in something in the parking lot." I ventured.
"No way," he stated firmly, as if such a thing was inconceivable. "I didn't see anything. I would have known."
Then, he crossed his legs & looked at his shoe. Apparently something on the bottom of his shoe looked suspicious, so what did he do? He took his bare hand & wiped at the offending splotch. He held his hand up to his face & inhaled with trepidation.
"EEW!" he said.
"NOW I smell it!" I said, as the stench drifted across the car. "Why the heck did you wipe your HAND on it? What are you, stupid?" Okay, I admit that the 'stupid' comment is not in the parent manual, but - Hello! Sometimes you just gotta call a spade a spade, you know? My son, however, did not deviate from the teenage boy manual in HIS response.
"I don't know."
"Well, I don't have any tissues & we are currently in the middle of a raging downpour on a six lane freeway full of traffic - it's not like I can pull over! Besides, we have a schedule to keep & I did not include time in my plans for the off chance that my idiotic son would decide to smear dog poop on his hands! You will just have to hold your hand like that until we get near a gas station!"
"Eew," he said glumly.
About 30 miles down the road, the rain slackened & we located a gas station, with no bathroom in sight. My son got out of the car, found a hose & finally washed his shoe & his hand, using the little hotel shampoo I snagged. He took the poop-smeared car mat & put it in the trunk & got back in the car.
"You know," he said, while drying his hands on some piece of used clothing (I hoped) from his backpack, "I just can't believe it."
"What can't you believe?"
And in all sincerity he said, "I can't believe they rented us a car with a big piece of dog poop right there on the floor!"
Sometimes all you can do is shake your head...
Friday, August 30, 2013
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Telephone Conversations
-Hi Cindy. This is Helen- we met last week? When I came in to pick up the tile?
-Yes, yes, I remember. How can I help you today?
-Well, on Tuesday the man came over to measure for the vanity & toilet installation. But, today is Friday & I haven't had a call back to actually schedule the date of the installation. I'm beginning to think Lowes doesn't want my money!
-Right, right. Let me see, there was a problem with, uh, let me look at the paper again-
-Problem? What problem? The measuring guy didn't say there were any problems.
-Here it is- "a problem with the woodwork".
-Wood work? What "wood work"? I don't need any wood work done. I mean, we talked about how I might need new baseboards, but I didn't ask this guy to do it.
-Well, I don't know - it says right here "a problem with the woodwork". Let me call the company back & ask them.
-Hello, Helen? This is Cindy from Lowes.
-Hi. Did you find out anything?
-Uh, yeah, this company that does the installation for us, Do-It-All Repair?
-Yeah...
-Well, they are really plumbers, so they don't want to touch the vanities. They will do the toilets tho.
-So, they apparently don't "do it all"...
-No, (ha ha) but, oh yeah, they WILL do the sinks & faucets, as well as the toilets.
-I don't think the sinks would help much, if they are lying sideways on the floor.
-No, no...
-Don't you have another installer?
-Well, we do, but he is not available for some reason, & I've tried to call some other people but I haven't had any luck.
-Hmm.
-Hmm.
-I have a question: why would Do-It-All Repair have done the measuring for the vanities if they were not planning to install them?
-Well, I think Do-It-All Repair thought that they might do it...you know, they really are PLUMBERS...but when they looked at your bathrooms they just decided it was too much for them. I don't think they expected us to ask them to DO the installation. You know, there's a lot to installing a vanity - it has to be leveled &, well, & a WHOLE lot of other stuff...
-So, when you called them up to schedule a measuring for a vanity installation it didn't kind of tip them off that you MIGHT ask THEM to actually DO the installation? What? - they were totally surprised? Never expected such a request?
-I know, right?
-I guess you need to find me a new installer, then. I mean, right now my old vanities are sitting out on my front porch all broken because of the tiling. I'm looking at your ad in the paper & it specifically says "bathroom vanities installed".
-I just don't know what to do. Even if I found another installer to do the job, they would still have to come out & measure again. I mean, none of these guys would trust another companies measurements.
-That would be another two days til the measurer came & two more days after that so I could maybe be having this same conversation with you again? No. OK, fine - what if I had our handy man install them - would Lowes bring the vanities out to me?
-Well, they would charge extra for that.
-& what about taking away the old vanities?
-They would charge extra for that, too.
-Right. So, Lowes idea of "bathroom vanities installed" means "the customer picks out a vanity, wastes at least two weeks waiting for measuring guys who refuse to do the job, pays Lowes not only for the vanity, but also pays to have the vanity DELIVERED, pays to have the old vanity TAKEN AWAY and pays some other third party to INSTALL the vanity", is that right?
-Well, it doesn't sound very good when you put it that way...
-No. Listen, Cindy, I'm square with Lowes right now, right? I paid for the tile job already, I have not yet purchased the vanities due to all these measuring problems, so I don't owe Lowe's anything more, correct?
-That's right.
-Then I think it's time I cancelled my order.
-But what about your vanities?
-Hello, honey?
-Yes, what do you need?
-Have you ever wondered if it might be fun to try to install a couple of bathroom vanities ourselves? & maybe a toilet or two? I was thinking of running over to Home Depot this afternoon...
-Yes, yes, I remember. How can I help you today?
-Well, on Tuesday the man came over to measure for the vanity & toilet installation. But, today is Friday & I haven't had a call back to actually schedule the date of the installation. I'm beginning to think Lowes doesn't want my money!
-Right, right. Let me see, there was a problem with, uh, let me look at the paper again-
-Problem? What problem? The measuring guy didn't say there were any problems.
-Here it is- "a problem with the woodwork".
-Wood work? What "wood work"? I don't need any wood work done. I mean, we talked about how I might need new baseboards, but I didn't ask this guy to do it.
-Well, I don't know - it says right here "a problem with the woodwork". Let me call the company back & ask them.
-Hello, Helen? This is Cindy from Lowes.
-Hi. Did you find out anything?
-Uh, yeah, this company that does the installation for us, Do-It-All Repair?
-Yeah...
-Well, they are really plumbers, so they don't want to touch the vanities. They will do the toilets tho.
-So, they apparently don't "do it all"...
-No, (ha ha) but, oh yeah, they WILL do the sinks & faucets, as well as the toilets.
-I don't think the sinks would help much, if they are lying sideways on the floor.
-No, no...
-Don't you have another installer?
-Well, we do, but he is not available for some reason, & I've tried to call some other people but I haven't had any luck.
-Hmm.
-Hmm.
-I have a question: why would Do-It-All Repair have done the measuring for the vanities if they were not planning to install them?
-Well, I think Do-It-All Repair thought that they might do it...you know, they really are PLUMBERS...but when they looked at your bathrooms they just decided it was too much for them. I don't think they expected us to ask them to DO the installation. You know, there's a lot to installing a vanity - it has to be leveled &, well, & a WHOLE lot of other stuff...
-So, when you called them up to schedule a measuring for a vanity installation it didn't kind of tip them off that you MIGHT ask THEM to actually DO the installation? What? - they were totally surprised? Never expected such a request?
-I know, right?
-I guess you need to find me a new installer, then. I mean, right now my old vanities are sitting out on my front porch all broken because of the tiling. I'm looking at your ad in the paper & it specifically says "bathroom vanities installed".
-I just don't know what to do. Even if I found another installer to do the job, they would still have to come out & measure again. I mean, none of these guys would trust another companies measurements.
-That would be another two days til the measurer came & two more days after that so I could maybe be having this same conversation with you again? No. OK, fine - what if I had our handy man install them - would Lowes bring the vanities out to me?
-Well, they would charge extra for that.
-& what about taking away the old vanities?
-They would charge extra for that, too.
-Right. So, Lowes idea of "bathroom vanities installed" means "the customer picks out a vanity, wastes at least two weeks waiting for measuring guys who refuse to do the job, pays Lowes not only for the vanity, but also pays to have the vanity DELIVERED, pays to have the old vanity TAKEN AWAY and pays some other third party to INSTALL the vanity", is that right?
-Well, it doesn't sound very good when you put it that way...
-No. Listen, Cindy, I'm square with Lowes right now, right? I paid for the tile job already, I have not yet purchased the vanities due to all these measuring problems, so I don't owe Lowe's anything more, correct?
-That's right.
-Then I think it's time I cancelled my order.
-But what about your vanities?
-Hello, honey?
-Yes, what do you need?
-Have you ever wondered if it might be fun to try to install a couple of bathroom vanities ourselves? & maybe a toilet or two? I was thinking of running over to Home Depot this afternoon...
Friday, August 16, 2013
In the Drawer
"Ho, Ike, back again?"
"Yup - I'm ready to kick back until the Gods see fit to call me back to duty, I'll say!"
"What was it this time?"
"Almond butter."
"Almond butter again?!"
"Day in, day out - the Goddess likes almond butter, that's for sure!"
"Well, there are worse things, I suppose..."
"Yeah, almond butter's not so bad. How 'bout you, Ian, you been out in a while?"
"I've had a few days off - last bit of duty I had was strawberry jam, I believe."
"Yum! Now I wouldn't mind handling a bit of jam for a change."
"Oh, yeah, jam's a nice bit of work. A little sticky tho..."
The two brothers rested quietly for a moment.
"So, tell me, Ike - who'd ya see out there? I've been shut in here for awhile, you know! I'm hungry for some news of the world!"
"Let's see - I saw two of our sisters, Little Susie & Little Sheryl. We floated in The Pool for a few hours."
"Aw, Susie & Sheryl...how are they doing?"
"Pretty well - tho they are both complaining about the overcrowding in their apartment."
"Well, that's nothing new..."
"True. But you know, it really IS a problem for them - they have, what, besides them, their two sisters, our SEVEN little brothers, plus the four new girls fresh out of the box AND the two girls from Grand Cayman! All living in that small space!"
"I know, Ike, I know you're right, but sometimes I get so tired of hearing those girls bitch & moan that I don't even want to float in The Pool with them anymore!"
"Well, Ian, you know they have to vent sometimes. Plus, now they have a new one who came in just last month! It sure does make you feel grateful for OUR situation over here in the end apartment - why, our space is actually a little larger than theirs & there are only us seven guys living here. Then you got, say, one, two of us out on a job at any one time - that leaves just a few of us here with more than enough room to stretch out! Tho, it does get to be a little boring around here sometimes. I guess that's the trade-off."
"Truer words were never spoken, Ike. And now there's a new girl, you say? Where'd she come from?"
"Oh!" Ike shifted around, "THIS one! You'll never guess - she used to be working in an ice cream shop!"
"Wow! A business girl! Must find it pretty dull here in our complex - same old people all the time...& think of all that ice cream! We hardly ever get to work in ice cream any more." Ian said wistfully.
"Actually, Ian, Susie says this one- Shelly's her name- she actually seems pretty happy to be here. Apparently she was taken by one of the Gods to do a piece of work OUTSIDE (Banana Split, she said, you ever done that?) for awhile & then he just left her there on the ground! Away from all her sisters! Shelly told Susie that she'd been lying there for just about FOREVER when our Goddess walked by & picked her up! Shelly said it was the loneliest feeling in the world, lying there alone...& worse, in the beginning she was COVERED by ants, walking all over her, licking her! Then, later, even the ants didn't want to have anything to do with the poor little girl."
"No kidding, Ike?!" Ian shivered, "What a horrible story. Hey, wait a minute, didn't that big girl Sara - you know, the one that lives with our sister Big Sandy & the other big sisters two apartments down? - didn't she used to be in business as well?"
"Yup, you're right. I think she used to work in a restaurant. Can't remember how she came to be here."
"Hmm, me either."
"Hey, Ian," Ike whispered, "Tell me, how's Ira doing?"
"Shhh!" Ian glanced over his shoulder. "He's about the same, I guess. At least, the same as he's been since the accident."
"Ah - but, he's not in any PAIN, is he?"
"No, no," Ian shook his head, "It's not like that - I think he's more self-conscious & embarrassed than anything. Ira knows he's never going to look like the rest of us again - that's gotta change your whole way of seeing the world, you know? Always being pointed at, whispered about by the others. Knowing you have to go thru the rest of your life with such a disfigurement...& now he's only fit for yogurt duty..."
"Poor Ira..." Ike frowned, "Has he ever said how it happened? I mean, to get his neck SO bent! The Gods must have really mistreated him!"
"No, he's never said..."
"Makes you wonder. I mean, the Gods have always been pretty gentle with me. Was it something Ira did to provoke them, you think?"
"Naw. Ira! Come on - he's just as obedient as the rest of us. I just think it was some fluke - it could have happened to any of us. Besides, the necks of us seven brothers are more likely to be damaged, as long & skinny as they are." Ian & Ike quieted for a moment while they contemplated their fragile necks.
"What HAPPENED, tho? It might help if Ira would say!" Ike argued.
Ian was shaking his head, "I don't think it matters. It's not like we can do anything to protect ourselves. In the God's hands we are all just instruments with no choice but to do their will."
"I guess you're right." Ike gave a frustrated sigh. "It's just hard to see Ira so silent & sad."
"Yeah..."
"Hey!" Ike gave a start. "I know! Maybe there's a way we can cheer Ira up!"
"You think?" Ian perked up. "What do you mean?"
"Well," Ike said, "It would mean giving up a bit of our space, I don't know if our brothers would be willing..."
"What? Giving up space? How would that cheer Ira up?"
"We could ask our little brothers to move in with us! They are a rowdy bunch - might liven up things around here! Make Ira happy again - take his mind of his troubles!"
"All SEVEN of them? George & Gerry & Geoffrey & Gene..." Ian raised his eyebrows.
"Yes, yes!" Ike laughed, "& Gabe & Garret & Gaston! ALL of them!"
"Oh my!" Ian gasped.
"'Oh my' is right! Think of those spiky-headed little guys living here!"
"I am, believe me! Seems like our apartment would be utterly chaotic!"
"It sure would," Ike laughed, "& just think - our little sisters next door would be so happy to get some extra room! Like we were saying, our place is bigger, after all. Besides, those boys could use some brotherly guidance, don't cha think?"
"I think you may be onto something, Ike!" Ian smiled, "Let's do it! I am sure our brothers would agree - we all want to raise Ira's spirits! Let's talk about it with the others - whichever one of us gets called to duty first - either in The Pool or in The Hot Shower -"
"But HOW will we make it happen? How will we let the Gods know?" Ike wrinkled his brow.
"By PRAYING, of course! We must all pray to the Gods - but, actually, just to the Goddess this time, I think...so let us tell the others that we must all begin sending our prayers to the Goddess! If we ALL do it-"
"ALL? Even the tough guys at the end of the complex? Niles & them?"
"Yes, we are all family! I am sure they will help us! For Ira!"
"For Ira!"
And it came to pass that a few weeks later, Helen looked in the silverware drawer & said, "Hmm, I think I'll move these grapefruit spoons in with the ice tea spoons. No reason for these ice tea spoons to have all this room to themselves!"
"Yup - I'm ready to kick back until the Gods see fit to call me back to duty, I'll say!"
"What was it this time?"
"Almond butter."
"Almond butter again?!"
"Day in, day out - the Goddess likes almond butter, that's for sure!"
"Well, there are worse things, I suppose..."
"Yeah, almond butter's not so bad. How 'bout you, Ian, you been out in a while?"
"I've had a few days off - last bit of duty I had was strawberry jam, I believe."
"Yum! Now I wouldn't mind handling a bit of jam for a change."
"Oh, yeah, jam's a nice bit of work. A little sticky tho..."
The two brothers rested quietly for a moment.
"So, tell me, Ike - who'd ya see out there? I've been shut in here for awhile, you know! I'm hungry for some news of the world!"
"Let's see - I saw two of our sisters, Little Susie & Little Sheryl. We floated in The Pool for a few hours."
"Aw, Susie & Sheryl...how are they doing?"
"Pretty well - tho they are both complaining about the overcrowding in their apartment."
"Well, that's nothing new..."
"True. But you know, it really IS a problem for them - they have, what, besides them, their two sisters, our SEVEN little brothers, plus the four new girls fresh out of the box AND the two girls from Grand Cayman! All living in that small space!"
"I know, Ike, I know you're right, but sometimes I get so tired of hearing those girls bitch & moan that I don't even want to float in The Pool with them anymore!"
"Well, Ian, you know they have to vent sometimes. Plus, now they have a new one who came in just last month! It sure does make you feel grateful for OUR situation over here in the end apartment - why, our space is actually a little larger than theirs & there are only us seven guys living here. Then you got, say, one, two of us out on a job at any one time - that leaves just a few of us here with more than enough room to stretch out! Tho, it does get to be a little boring around here sometimes. I guess that's the trade-off."
"Truer words were never spoken, Ike. And now there's a new girl, you say? Where'd she come from?"
"Oh!" Ike shifted around, "THIS one! You'll never guess - she used to be working in an ice cream shop!"
"Wow! A business girl! Must find it pretty dull here in our complex - same old people all the time...& think of all that ice cream! We hardly ever get to work in ice cream any more." Ian said wistfully.
"Actually, Ian, Susie says this one- Shelly's her name- she actually seems pretty happy to be here. Apparently she was taken by one of the Gods to do a piece of work OUTSIDE (Banana Split, she said, you ever done that?) for awhile & then he just left her there on the ground! Away from all her sisters! Shelly told Susie that she'd been lying there for just about FOREVER when our Goddess walked by & picked her up! Shelly said it was the loneliest feeling in the world, lying there alone...& worse, in the beginning she was COVERED by ants, walking all over her, licking her! Then, later, even the ants didn't want to have anything to do with the poor little girl."
"No kidding, Ike?!" Ian shivered, "What a horrible story. Hey, wait a minute, didn't that big girl Sara - you know, the one that lives with our sister Big Sandy & the other big sisters two apartments down? - didn't she used to be in business as well?"
"Yup, you're right. I think she used to work in a restaurant. Can't remember how she came to be here."
"Hmm, me either."
"Hey, Ian," Ike whispered, "Tell me, how's Ira doing?"
"Shhh!" Ian glanced over his shoulder. "He's about the same, I guess. At least, the same as he's been since the accident."
"Ah - but, he's not in any PAIN, is he?"
"No, no," Ian shook his head, "It's not like that - I think he's more self-conscious & embarrassed than anything. Ira knows he's never going to look like the rest of us again - that's gotta change your whole way of seeing the world, you know? Always being pointed at, whispered about by the others. Knowing you have to go thru the rest of your life with such a disfigurement...& now he's only fit for yogurt duty..."
"Poor Ira..." Ike frowned, "Has he ever said how it happened? I mean, to get his neck SO bent! The Gods must have really mistreated him!"
"No, he's never said..."
"Makes you wonder. I mean, the Gods have always been pretty gentle with me. Was it something Ira did to provoke them, you think?"
"Naw. Ira! Come on - he's just as obedient as the rest of us. I just think it was some fluke - it could have happened to any of us. Besides, the necks of us seven brothers are more likely to be damaged, as long & skinny as they are." Ian & Ike quieted for a moment while they contemplated their fragile necks.
"What HAPPENED, tho? It might help if Ira would say!" Ike argued.
Ian was shaking his head, "I don't think it matters. It's not like we can do anything to protect ourselves. In the God's hands we are all just instruments with no choice but to do their will."
"I guess you're right." Ike gave a frustrated sigh. "It's just hard to see Ira so silent & sad."
"Yeah..."
"Hey!" Ike gave a start. "I know! Maybe there's a way we can cheer Ira up!"
"You think?" Ian perked up. "What do you mean?"
"Well," Ike said, "It would mean giving up a bit of our space, I don't know if our brothers would be willing..."
"What? Giving up space? How would that cheer Ira up?"
"We could ask our little brothers to move in with us! They are a rowdy bunch - might liven up things around here! Make Ira happy again - take his mind of his troubles!"
"All SEVEN of them? George & Gerry & Geoffrey & Gene..." Ian raised his eyebrows.
"Yes, yes!" Ike laughed, "& Gabe & Garret & Gaston! ALL of them!"
"Oh my!" Ian gasped.
"'Oh my' is right! Think of those spiky-headed little guys living here!"
"I am, believe me! Seems like our apartment would be utterly chaotic!"
"It sure would," Ike laughed, "& just think - our little sisters next door would be so happy to get some extra room! Like we were saying, our place is bigger, after all. Besides, those boys could use some brotherly guidance, don't cha think?"
"I think you may be onto something, Ike!" Ian smiled, "Let's do it! I am sure our brothers would agree - we all want to raise Ira's spirits! Let's talk about it with the others - whichever one of us gets called to duty first - either in The Pool or in The Hot Shower -"
"But HOW will we make it happen? How will we let the Gods know?" Ike wrinkled his brow.
"By PRAYING, of course! We must all pray to the Gods - but, actually, just to the Goddess this time, I think...so let us tell the others that we must all begin sending our prayers to the Goddess! If we ALL do it-"
"ALL? Even the tough guys at the end of the complex? Niles & them?"
"Yes, we are all family! I am sure they will help us! For Ira!"
"For Ira!"
And it came to pass that a few weeks later, Helen looked in the silverware drawer & said, "Hmm, I think I'll move these grapefruit spoons in with the ice tea spoons. No reason for these ice tea spoons to have all this room to themselves!"
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Clearly Not Clear
Last month we decided to update two of our bathrooms.
Who should we get to do the work, I wondered.
I don't know, said my husband.
Then we both gave each other a look of disgust - already we were stymied & we hadn't even begun. Then we said, Hey! Let's go to Lowes - they will install everything & we won't have to deal with a bunch of different people!
That was the plan. It didn't seem like we were asking too much.
I met Mr. John in the Bathroom Department at Lowes. After some deliberation, I knew what we needed. I said to Mr. John, "Okay, we need 2 vanities, 2 toilets, 2 faucets & one mirror installed." Mr. John was very enthusiastic, until I added, "& we also need one bathroom tiled."
"Oh-h-h-h," he said, "Well, you have to go to Flooring for that - we don't handle flooring in Bathrooms".
"Fair enough. But then," I began my flight into fantasy, "the Departments will coordinate with each other, so that when the bathrooms are all torn up I can get the tile & bathroom installation done at the same time, boom, boom, right?" I was thinking this might take a couple weeks at most.
I should have noted the slight hesitation.
"Uh, right. Right!" Mr. John agreed, nodding vigorously (TOO vigorously it seems, now that I look back on it....).
I went to Flooring, talked to Mr. James, told him my tale, picked out my tile & he said he'd send someone to measure my bathroom right away.
"Perfect. How 'right away'"?
"Someone should call you within 48 hours to schedule."
"Why can't I just schedule the measuring right now?"
"We don't handle scheduling in Flooring - that is Installations." He looked at me chidingly, as if I should have known all this. "It takes 48 hours to get into our system."
"Ah." I said, wondering if Lowes had not heard about the Internet, which is amazingly fast...
The next day Lowes called to "thank me for my purchase" - which was odd because I hadn't yet purchased anything - in either Flooring or Bathrooms. They wouldn't let me until the measurers came. I kept offering to pay for the stuff but they wouldn't have it. My husband suggested we should shop there more often.
Meanwhile I talked to Mr. John. "Why don't you send your bathroom measurer out with the tile measurer?" I suggested, hoping we could move this project along, thinking quite foolishly that perhaps all the measuring could happen at once.
"No," Mr. John told me, "They won't measure the bathroom til the tile is done."
"Why ever not?"
"They want to be sure the tile won't change the measurement."
"Why would the addition of tile, which is on the floor, change the measurement of the space for the vanity & toilet?"
"You never know." said Mr. John sagely.
I never knew WHAT?, I wondered. Whether the tile guys would just get so carried away that they might run the tile up the walls as well? Was I going to have to watch them closely? Keep their enthusiasm in check?
The tile measurer came a few days later - Mr. Walter. He had a fancy measuring thing & an ipad. He spent more time trying to make the ipad talk to his measuring thing than it probably would have taken him to whip out a tape measure. I asked, "So, will the tile guys take up the linoleum first?"
"Oh, no," said Mr. Walter, shaking his head, "They won't do that. It will have to be removed before they get here."
"Does Lowes have someone that will do that?"
"No, you'll have to hire somebody else. Lowes won't touch that."
"Of course not. Why would I expect that?" What was I thinking? "Also, I need the tile to go underneath the vanity, since this vanity is being pulled out. I don't suppose the tilers will take out the vanity?"
"Nope, tilers won't do that. Bathroom people would tho."
"But the bathroom people aren't coming til AFTER the tile people!"
"That is a problem...Looks like you'll have to hire that done as well." Mr. Walter agrees, snapping his ipad case shut with a CLICK.
Great. So far I have talked to four people & no progress has been made, but at the same time, they all think they are helping me! Worse, they've told me I have to hire MORE people! My plan of a "one stop shop" seems to be backfiring. Clearly it was not clear to me that this simple-seeming project could be so complicated.
I made a panicked phone call to a handyman to talk about linoleum & vanity removal - as soon as possible!
"Can't come til next Saturday." Stanley the Handyman said. "Costs extra on weekends."
"Fine." If I had known that the glacial movement of the Flooring Department was their typical speed, I would not have gone for the "extra expensive" weekend. I was operating under the mistaken impression that I had to hurry.
After a weekend plus 48 business hours, I get a call that I can come in & pick out my tile. I thought I had done that, but apparently Mr. James didn't think I was serious, "I figured you might change your mind so I didn't write it down."
So thoughtful.
"Hey, Mr. James? I need to have a small area of the 2nd bathroom tiled (FYI readers-the second bathroom is already tiled except under the vanity) as well because of the new vanity coming - but I already have the tile for that - do you think your guys could quickly lay that tile as well?"
"Oh, sure, they could do that."
You heard the man...
So, I go down to Lowes to deal with Mr. James. Mr. James does not fill me with confidence. First, he looks like an accountant instead of a builder. Second, he & his computer don't seem to get along so he has this totally frazzled look about him, huffing & throwing his hands up at every BEEP his computer makes. Third, he has decided I am the perfect captive audience to hear all about his troubles with the Obama regime, & while I don't mind him going on & on, (because I'm not really paying attention anyway) he is but a man, so he can't seem to do anything ELSE (like write up my order) at the same time. I am beginning to wonder if my bathroom installation will indeed be finished BEFORE the installation of the next President!
Then, in the middle of tile-choosing & Obama-bashing, Mr. James asks, "Who approved the tilers doing the extra work in the 2nd bathroom?"
"YOU DID!" I exclaim, "When I talked to you on the phone this morning!"
"I did?" Mr.James throws up his hands in dismay, "I can't APPROVE anything! - you have to go thru Installations! They will have to approve it & send the measurer out again!"
"I can tell you the measurements - it's a 24" X 36" vanity."
Not good enough. I need to wait 48 hours more for Mr. Walter to be scheduled to come back again with his magic measurer, & then 48 hours afterwards for the new measurement (4.85 sqft) to "get into the (archaic) system". Another week goes by. Meanwhile, Handyman Stanley has ripped up the linoleum (leaving me to scrub up the glue) & removed 2 vanities - one hours work for the mere sum of $150.
But finally the day arrives when I receive a phone call to schedule the tiling date - from a place called Quality Carpets (perhaps I should have just gone there to begin with?). The woman says that I will have to take out the toilet.
"I will? Myself? I was told the tiler could do that."
"Normally we would, but Quality Carpets will not remove a toilet unless we are going to put it back in again."
Ah, this derives from my original plan NOT to have the old toilet re-installed since a new toilet is coming - somehow this logic only seemed to make sense to me. The lady informed me that there were "liability issues" involved in not re-installing a toilet once removed.
Liability issues? Like, what could happen, someone might fall into the 4" hole & sue? Fine, I decided. I figured my husband could remove a toilet, how hard could it be?
& in that assumption, I was correct - my husband & the boys removed the toilet yesterday successfully with minimal mess - & guess what! The tiler is here RIGHT NOW! I don't yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I think we may have reached the middle...
But you will have to excuse me - I must go check on the tiler - make sure he is tiling only the floor - you know how those tilers can get so out of control...
Who should we get to do the work, I wondered.
I don't know, said my husband.
Then we both gave each other a look of disgust - already we were stymied & we hadn't even begun. Then we said, Hey! Let's go to Lowes - they will install everything & we won't have to deal with a bunch of different people!
That was the plan. It didn't seem like we were asking too much.
I met Mr. John in the Bathroom Department at Lowes. After some deliberation, I knew what we needed. I said to Mr. John, "Okay, we need 2 vanities, 2 toilets, 2 faucets & one mirror installed." Mr. John was very enthusiastic, until I added, "& we also need one bathroom tiled."
"Oh-h-h-h," he said, "Well, you have to go to Flooring for that - we don't handle flooring in Bathrooms".
"Fair enough. But then," I began my flight into fantasy, "the Departments will coordinate with each other, so that when the bathrooms are all torn up I can get the tile & bathroom installation done at the same time, boom, boom, right?" I was thinking this might take a couple weeks at most.
I should have noted the slight hesitation.
"Uh, right. Right!" Mr. John agreed, nodding vigorously (TOO vigorously it seems, now that I look back on it....).
I went to Flooring, talked to Mr. James, told him my tale, picked out my tile & he said he'd send someone to measure my bathroom right away.
"Perfect. How 'right away'"?
"Someone should call you within 48 hours to schedule."
"Why can't I just schedule the measuring right now?"
"We don't handle scheduling in Flooring - that is Installations." He looked at me chidingly, as if I should have known all this. "It takes 48 hours to get into our system."
"Ah." I said, wondering if Lowes had not heard about the Internet, which is amazingly fast...
The next day Lowes called to "thank me for my purchase" - which was odd because I hadn't yet purchased anything - in either Flooring or Bathrooms. They wouldn't let me until the measurers came. I kept offering to pay for the stuff but they wouldn't have it. My husband suggested we should shop there more often.
Meanwhile I talked to Mr. John. "Why don't you send your bathroom measurer out with the tile measurer?" I suggested, hoping we could move this project along, thinking quite foolishly that perhaps all the measuring could happen at once.
"No," Mr. John told me, "They won't measure the bathroom til the tile is done."
"Why ever not?"
"They want to be sure the tile won't change the measurement."
"Why would the addition of tile, which is on the floor, change the measurement of the space for the vanity & toilet?"
"You never know." said Mr. John sagely.
I never knew WHAT?, I wondered. Whether the tile guys would just get so carried away that they might run the tile up the walls as well? Was I going to have to watch them closely? Keep their enthusiasm in check?
The tile measurer came a few days later - Mr. Walter. He had a fancy measuring thing & an ipad. He spent more time trying to make the ipad talk to his measuring thing than it probably would have taken him to whip out a tape measure. I asked, "So, will the tile guys take up the linoleum first?"
"Oh, no," said Mr. Walter, shaking his head, "They won't do that. It will have to be removed before they get here."
"Does Lowes have someone that will do that?"
"No, you'll have to hire somebody else. Lowes won't touch that."
"Of course not. Why would I expect that?" What was I thinking? "Also, I need the tile to go underneath the vanity, since this vanity is being pulled out. I don't suppose the tilers will take out the vanity?"
"Nope, tilers won't do that. Bathroom people would tho."
"But the bathroom people aren't coming til AFTER the tile people!"
"That is a problem...Looks like you'll have to hire that done as well." Mr. Walter agrees, snapping his ipad case shut with a CLICK.
Great. So far I have talked to four people & no progress has been made, but at the same time, they all think they are helping me! Worse, they've told me I have to hire MORE people! My plan of a "one stop shop" seems to be backfiring. Clearly it was not clear to me that this simple-seeming project could be so complicated.
I made a panicked phone call to a handyman to talk about linoleum & vanity removal - as soon as possible!
"Can't come til next Saturday." Stanley the Handyman said. "Costs extra on weekends."
"Fine." If I had known that the glacial movement of the Flooring Department was their typical speed, I would not have gone for the "extra expensive" weekend. I was operating under the mistaken impression that I had to hurry.
After a weekend plus 48 business hours, I get a call that I can come in & pick out my tile. I thought I had done that, but apparently Mr. James didn't think I was serious, "I figured you might change your mind so I didn't write it down."
So thoughtful.
"Hey, Mr. James? I need to have a small area of the 2nd bathroom tiled (FYI readers-the second bathroom is already tiled except under the vanity) as well because of the new vanity coming - but I already have the tile for that - do you think your guys could quickly lay that tile as well?"
"Oh, sure, they could do that."
You heard the man...
So, I go down to Lowes to deal with Mr. James. Mr. James does not fill me with confidence. First, he looks like an accountant instead of a builder. Second, he & his computer don't seem to get along so he has this totally frazzled look about him, huffing & throwing his hands up at every BEEP his computer makes. Third, he has decided I am the perfect captive audience to hear all about his troubles with the Obama regime, & while I don't mind him going on & on, (because I'm not really paying attention anyway) he is but a man, so he can't seem to do anything ELSE (like write up my order) at the same time. I am beginning to wonder if my bathroom installation will indeed be finished BEFORE the installation of the next President!
Then, in the middle of tile-choosing & Obama-bashing, Mr. James asks, "Who approved the tilers doing the extra work in the 2nd bathroom?"
"YOU DID!" I exclaim, "When I talked to you on the phone this morning!"
"I did?" Mr.James throws up his hands in dismay, "I can't APPROVE anything! - you have to go thru Installations! They will have to approve it & send the measurer out again!"
"I can tell you the measurements - it's a 24" X 36" vanity."
Not good enough. I need to wait 48 hours more for Mr. Walter to be scheduled to come back again with his magic measurer, & then 48 hours afterwards for the new measurement (4.85 sqft) to "get into the (archaic) system". Another week goes by. Meanwhile, Handyman Stanley has ripped up the linoleum (leaving me to scrub up the glue) & removed 2 vanities - one hours work for the mere sum of $150.
But finally the day arrives when I receive a phone call to schedule the tiling date - from a place called Quality Carpets (perhaps I should have just gone there to begin with?). The woman says that I will have to take out the toilet.
"I will? Myself? I was told the tiler could do that."
"Normally we would, but Quality Carpets will not remove a toilet unless we are going to put it back in again."
Ah, this derives from my original plan NOT to have the old toilet re-installed since a new toilet is coming - somehow this logic only seemed to make sense to me. The lady informed me that there were "liability issues" involved in not re-installing a toilet once removed.
Liability issues? Like, what could happen, someone might fall into the 4" hole & sue? Fine, I decided. I figured my husband could remove a toilet, how hard could it be?
& in that assumption, I was correct - my husband & the boys removed the toilet yesterday successfully with minimal mess - & guess what! The tiler is here RIGHT NOW! I don't yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I think we may have reached the middle...
But you will have to excuse me - I must go check on the tiler - make sure he is tiling only the floor - you know how those tilers can get so out of control...
Sunday, August 4, 2013
A Quick Bite
My younger son & I are driving down the road. We have been to Arby's, where we both had roast beef sandwiches & bought an extra to take home to the other son.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, I become violently dizzy & have to throw up. I pull over.
"Quick, son, I have to be sick! Take that Arby's out of the bag & hand it to me. HURRY!"
So, he rushes to take the Arby's out of the bag & hands me -
Suddenly, out of nowhere, I become violently dizzy & have to throw up. I pull over.
"Quick, son, I have to be sick! Take that Arby's out of the bag & hand it to me. HURRY!"
So, he rushes to take the Arby's out of the bag & hands me -
the SANDWICH!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Useless Drivel
Cr-e-e-e-k ...the door opens, the dust motes fly...
Hey! I remember this place - I have BEEN in here before... Boy, it sure is dusty!
(cough, cough)
I used to write in here, I remember now.
Right - like I actually forgot that. No, but sometimes I seem to forget how - HOW did I used to write in here?
Well, duh, just like I am doing now. You just set your hands over the keyboard & hope that what pours out of your fingers isn't just some useless drivel - of course "useless drivel" was always a speciality of mine! So I will pray to the Gods of Writing to send me some MORE useless drivel!
I was in the shower the other day, when I found myself reading my husband's shampoo bottle. It has a kangaroo on it & the words Aussie MEN. The bottle promises a DEEP CLEAN, along with a catchy little slogan: Lose the dirt, Keep the adventure. All that aside, the bottle has a handy pump, which is most likely what caused me to buy it. I hadn't considered the possibility for the multitude of adventures that could be had while washing hair.
But that's not all! Not only can you get an adventuresome DEEP CLEAN, but it comes with a NO WORRIES GUARANTEE! Which is great, because I don't want my husband to be worrying about his shampoo!
Hello! I can hardly get him to remember to USE it!
& just what is the NO WORRIES GUARANTEE? I thought you'd never ask! It is this: Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.
Is this really necessary? What would cause me to feel dissatisfaction about a shampoo for Heaven's sake? Is there such a thing as a shampoo NOT cleaning?
"Hello? Is this Aussie MEN customer service?"
"Goodday, Mate! Yes, this is customer service. How can I help you today?"
"Well, I am sorry to say that I need to return this bottle of shampoo."
"I am SO sorry to hear that. May I ask why?"
"It doesn't work."
"The shampoo doesn't work?"
"Right."
"Well!" the customer service rep takes a breath, "Did you follow the directions?"
"Of course! What do you think? Even MY husband can figure out Work into wet hair. Rinse. The problem is that now my husband is sitting around waiting for the adventure that was promised on the bottle."
"The adventure?"
"Sure - it says right on the bottle that he would get an adventure."
"I'm sorry - could you repeat that?"
"...and I quote, 'Lose the dirt. Keep the adventure' - so, where is this adventure, that's what my husband wants to know."
"I see. Let me put you on hold for a moment, while I speak to my supervisor."
♪♪
Buying bread from a man in Brussels. He was six foot four and full of-
"Ma'am?"
"Yes, I'm here."
"OK, I spoke to my supervisor & he did point out that the shampoo bottle doesn't promise an adventure; it states that you may keep the adventure. Therefore, the adventure must be something you have already."
"So, what you are saying is that if my husband uses any OTHER shampoo, he will have to return his adventure? To whom must he return it then?"
"Well, I don't know about that..."
"& not only THAT, but his deep clean from any other shampoo will not 'pack as much punch as a dingo on the prowl'?"
"Excuse me?"
"It's right on the bottle. Tho, you know, I never HAVE seen a dingo on the prowl...when do we get the dingo?"
"The dingo?"
"To watch it prowl! Hey, that in itself might qualify as an adventure! Tell you what, if you would throw in a dingo, I would go ahead & keep the shampoo."
"Throw in a dingo?!"
"Great! Now what about that boomerang?"
"Boomerang?"
"Yes, right on the bottle there is a boomerang. I would call that an implied boomerang, I surely would! Will you be sending that with the dingo? Hey - I won't have to pay shipping on all this, will I?"
"I think - I mean, no, well, no - please hold!"
♪♪
And he said, "I come from a land down under
Hey! I remember this place - I have BEEN in here before... Boy, it sure is dusty!
(cough, cough)
I used to write in here, I remember now.
Right - like I actually forgot that. No, but sometimes I seem to forget how - HOW did I used to write in here?
Well, duh, just like I am doing now. You just set your hands over the keyboard & hope that what pours out of your fingers isn't just some useless drivel - of course "useless drivel" was always a speciality of mine! So I will pray to the Gods of Writing to send me some MORE useless drivel!
I was in the shower the other day, when I found myself reading my husband's shampoo bottle. It has a kangaroo on it & the words Aussie MEN. The bottle promises a DEEP CLEAN, along with a catchy little slogan: Lose the dirt, Keep the adventure. All that aside, the bottle has a handy pump, which is most likely what caused me to buy it. I hadn't considered the possibility for the multitude of adventures that could be had while washing hair.
But that's not all! Not only can you get an adventuresome DEEP CLEAN, but it comes with a NO WORRIES GUARANTEE! Which is great, because I don't want my husband to be worrying about his shampoo!
Hello! I can hardly get him to remember to USE it!
& just what is the NO WORRIES GUARANTEE? I thought you'd never ask! It is this: Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.
Is this really necessary? What would cause me to feel dissatisfaction about a shampoo for Heaven's sake? Is there such a thing as a shampoo NOT cleaning?
"Hello? Is this Aussie MEN customer service?"
"Goodday, Mate! Yes, this is customer service. How can I help you today?"
"Well, I am sorry to say that I need to return this bottle of shampoo."
"I am SO sorry to hear that. May I ask why?"
"It doesn't work."
"The shampoo doesn't work?"
"Right."
"Well!" the customer service rep takes a breath, "Did you follow the directions?"
"Of course! What do you think? Even MY husband can figure out Work into wet hair. Rinse. The problem is that now my husband is sitting around waiting for the adventure that was promised on the bottle."
"The adventure?"
"Sure - it says right on the bottle that he would get an adventure."
"I'm sorry - could you repeat that?"
"...and I quote, 'Lose the dirt. Keep the adventure' - so, where is this adventure, that's what my husband wants to know."
"I see. Let me put you on hold for a moment, while I speak to my supervisor."
♪♪
And she said, "Do you come from a land down under?
Where women glow and men plunder?
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.
Buying bread from a man in Brussels. He was six foot four and full of-
♪♪
"Ma'am?"
"Yes, I'm here."
"OK, I spoke to my supervisor & he did point out that the shampoo bottle doesn't promise an adventure; it states that you may keep the adventure. Therefore, the adventure must be something you have already."
"So, what you are saying is that if my husband uses any OTHER shampoo, he will have to return his adventure? To whom must he return it then?"
"Well, I don't know about that..."
"& not only THAT, but his deep clean from any other shampoo will not 'pack as much punch as a dingo on the prowl'?"
"Excuse me?"
"It's right on the bottle. Tho, you know, I never HAVE seen a dingo on the prowl...when do we get the dingo?"
"The dingo?"
"To watch it prowl! Hey, that in itself might qualify as an adventure! Tell you what, if you would throw in a dingo, I would go ahead & keep the shampoo."
"Throw in a dingo?!"
"Great! Now what about that boomerang?"
"Boomerang?"
"Yes, right on the bottle there is a boomerang. I would call that an implied boomerang, I surely would! Will you be sending that with the dingo? Hey - I won't have to pay shipping on all this, will I?"
"I think - I mean, no, well, no - please hold!"
♪♪
And he said, "I come from a land down under
Where beer does flow and men chunder
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover", yeah-
♪♪
"Hello, Ma'am?"
"Hello, Ma'am?"
"Yes, hello!"
"My supervisor suggests that perhaps you should go ahead & return the shampoo. That seems to be the most expedient solution, at this point."
"Well, okay. I must say my husband will be very disappointed. I am sure he was looking forward to adventuring with his dingo & his boomerang. But, that's neither here nor there. I guess he'll have to settle for some other shampoo as well."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am, but I am sure it will all work out for the best. Luckily, with our NO WORRIES guarantee, you will be eligible for a full refund. Now, is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Well, yes, actually, there is. Something I've always wanted to know..."
"Yes?"
"What exactly is 'chunder', anyway?"
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