Clearly Not Clear

Last month we decided to update two of our bathrooms.

Who should we get to do the work, I wondered.
I don't know, said my husband.
Then we both gave each other a look of disgust - already we were stymied & we hadn't even begun. Then we said, Hey! Let's go to Lowes - they will install everything & we won't have to deal with a bunch of different people!

That was the plan. It didn't seem like we were asking too much.

I met Mr. John in the Bathroom Department at Lowes. After some deliberation, I knew what we needed. I said to Mr. John, "Okay, we need 2 vanities, 2 toilets, 2 faucets & one mirror installed." Mr. John was very enthusiastic, until I added, "& we also need one bathroom tiled."
"Oh-h-h-h," he said, "Well, you have to go to Flooring for that - we don't handle flooring in Bathrooms".
"Fair enough. But then," I began my flight into fantasy, "the Departments will coordinate with each other, so that when the bathrooms are all torn up I can get the tile & bathroom installation done at the same time, boom, boom, right?" I was thinking this might take a couple weeks at most.

I should have noted the slight hesitation.
"Uh, right. Right!" Mr. John agreed, nodding vigorously (TOO vigorously it seems, now that I look back on it....).

I went to Flooring, talked to Mr. James, told him my tale, picked out my tile & he said he'd send someone to measure my bathroom right away.  
"Perfect. How 'right away'"?
"Someone should call you within 48 hours to schedule."
"Why can't I just schedule the measuring right now?"
"We don't handle scheduling in Flooring - that is Installations." He looked at me chidingly, as if I should have known all this. "It takes 48 hours to get into our system."
"Ah." I said, wondering if Lowes had not heard about the Internet, which is amazingly fast...

The next day Lowes called to "thank me for my purchase" - which was odd because I hadn't yet purchased anything - in either Flooring or Bathrooms. They wouldn't let me until the measurers came. I kept offering to pay for the stuff but they wouldn't have it. My husband suggested we should shop there more often.

Meanwhile I talked to Mr. John. "Why don't you send your bathroom measurer out with the tile measurer?" I suggested, hoping we could move this project along, thinking quite foolishly that perhaps all the measuring could happen at once.
"No," Mr. John told me, "They won't measure the bathroom til the tile is done."
"Why ever not?"
"They want to be sure the tile won't change the measurement."
"Why would the addition of tile, which is on the floor, change the measurement of the space for the vanity & toilet?"
"You never know." said Mr. John sagely.

I never knew WHAT?, I wondered. Whether the tile guys would just get so carried away that they might run the tile up the walls as well? Was I going to have to watch them closely? Keep their enthusiasm in check?

The tile measurer came a few days later - Mr. Walter. He had a fancy measuring thing & an ipad. He spent more time trying to make the ipad talk to his measuring thing than it probably would have taken him to whip out a tape measure. I asked, "So, will the tile guys take up the linoleum first?"
"Oh, no," said Mr. Walter, shaking his head, "They won't do that. It will have to be removed before they get here."
"Does Lowes have someone that will do that?"
"No, you'll have to hire somebody else. Lowes won't touch that."
"Of course not. Why would I expect that?" What was I thinking? "Also, I need the tile to go underneath the vanity, since this vanity is being pulled out. I don't suppose the tilers will take out the vanity?"
"Nope, tilers won't do that. Bathroom people would tho."
"But the bathroom people aren't coming til AFTER the tile people!"
"That is a problem...Looks like you'll have to hire that done as well." Mr. Walter agrees, snapping his ipad case shut with a CLICK.

Great. So far I have talked to four people & no progress has been made, but at the same time, they all think they are helping me! Worse, they've told me I have to hire MORE people! My plan of a "one stop shop" seems to be backfiring. Clearly it was not clear to me that this simple-seeming project could be so complicated. 

I made a panicked phone call to a handyman to talk about linoleum & vanity removal - as soon as possible!
"Can't come til next Saturday." Stanley the Handyman said. "Costs extra on weekends."
"Fine." If I had known that the glacial movement of the Flooring Department was their typical speed, I would not have gone for the "extra expensive" weekend. I was operating under the mistaken impression that I had to hurry.

After a weekend plus 48 business hours, I get a call that I can come in & pick out my tile. I thought I had done that, but apparently Mr. James didn't think I was serious, "I figured you might change your mind so I didn't write it down."
So thoughtful.
"Hey, Mr. James? I need to have a small area of the 2nd bathroom tiled (FYI readers-the second bathroom is already tiled except under the vanity) as well because of the new vanity coming - but I already have the tile for that - do you think your guys could quickly lay that tile as well?"
"Oh, sure, they could do that."
You heard the man...

So, I go down to Lowes to deal with Mr. James. Mr. James does not fill me with confidence. First, he looks like an accountant instead of a builder. Second, he & his computer don't seem to get along so he has this totally frazzled look about him, huffing & throwing his hands up at every BEEP his computer makes. Third, he has decided I am the perfect captive audience to hear all about his troubles with the Obama regime, & while I don't mind him going on & on, (because I'm not really paying attention anyway) he is but a man, so he can't seem to do anything ELSE (like write up my order) at the same time. I am beginning to wonder if my bathroom installation will indeed be finished BEFORE the installation of the next President! 

Then, in the middle of tile-choosing & Obama-bashing, Mr. James asks, "Who approved the tilers doing the extra work in the 2nd bathroom?"
"YOU DID!" I exclaim, "When I talked to you on the phone this morning!"
"I did?" Mr.James throws up his hands in dismay, "I can't APPROVE anything! - you have to go thru Installations! They will have to approve it & send the measurer out again!"
"I can tell you the measurements - it's a 24" X 36" vanity."

Not good enough. I need to wait 48 hours more for Mr. Walter to be scheduled to come back again with his magic measurer, & then 48 hours afterwards for the new measurement (4.85 sqft) to "get into the (archaic) system". Another week goes by. Meanwhile, Handyman Stanley has ripped up the linoleum (leaving me to scrub up the glue) & removed 2 vanities - one hours work for the mere sum of $150.

But finally the day arrives when I receive a phone call to schedule the tiling date - from a place called Quality Carpets (perhaps I should have just gone there to begin with?). The woman says that I will have to take out the toilet.
"I will? Myself? I was told the tiler could do that."
"Normally we would, but Quality Carpets will not remove a toilet unless we are going to put it back in again."

Ah, this derives from my original plan NOT to have the old toilet re-installed since a new toilet is coming - somehow this logic only seemed to make sense to me. The lady informed me that there were "liability issues" involved in not re-installing a toilet once removed.

Liability issues? Like, what could happen, someone might fall into the 4" hole & sue? Fine, I decided. I figured my husband could remove a toilet, how hard could it be?

& in that assumption, I was correct - my husband & the boys removed the toilet yesterday successfully with minimal mess - & guess what! The tiler is here RIGHT NOW! I don't yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I think we may have reached the middle...

But you will have to excuse me - I must go check on the tiler - make sure he is tiling only the floor - you know how those tilers can get so out of control...