I like dogs. Dogs like me. But, no longer being a dog owner, sometimes I forget...
The dog was big. I could tell this even tho & because I could not see past his massive head as he thrust his mouth into my face. The fact that I was standing at the time also gave me a clue as to the dog's size. As a gesture of affection, & as a valiant effort to keep his foot-long tongue from washing me thoroughly, I placed my hands on either side of his head & ruffled up his ears. At this point my hands were about the same distance apart as if I had been gripping a watermelon. He was a golden Labrador Retriever.
Being the most thrilling encounter this dog had had all day (I could only assume by his reaction to my presence), the dog (who we will call Sam) vibrated all over & then nearly knocked me down as it occurred to him that since he & I were now the best of friends, he should share with me his prized possessions. He bounded away to find them, pushing off of me with his front legs so that I had to brace MY legs firmly to remain standing. Now that Sam's giant head was no longer blocking my view, I discovered his clone was lunging & vibrating behind him - another golden Lab, not quite as large, who we will call Candy. & look! Underneath, weaving & dodging in between those eight Labrador legs, yet another dog, a Corgi, ran yapping side to side. Behind all this, I saw my friend Anna, & remembered why I was in this room with all this wildlife in the first place.
Anna was happy to see me, tho her reaction was somewhat more subdued than her dogs', as when she hugged me in greeting she neither vibrated nor attempted to lick my face. It was entertaining to note that the manner of my entrance to the house, hampered by the three dogs jumping & tumbling over each other - the pack essentially blocking the doorway while beating me with their tails & heads - barking & slobbering & hitting me in the legs with chewed up rubber dog bones, did not seem to faze Anna in the least. She turned down the hallway, basically leaving me to sink or swim in her wake.
After a stumbling entrance into the kitchen, where we stopped briefly, chatting, the dog Sam returned. In his mouth was a basketball. Yes, a regulation game-sized basketball. I'd love to stop there, because of the image you must have in your mind, but in all fairness, I must continue on to say that the basketball was not inflated. Presumably it had been at one time. Folded up like a giant taco shell, Sam munched on the basketball frantically. Sam then remembered that he was going to share this drool-covered item with ME, so he came to me with hopeful eyes & thrust it into my leg. The dog Candy also sported a slobbery rubber bone which did not stop her from sticking her nose into my crotch. The Corgi carried no toys, as that would have made it difficult for her to continue with her incessant barking. As I wrestled with Candy to get free of her inquisitive nose, Anna told me I shouldn't throw the dog toys in the house. I assured her that I would try to restrain myself.
Sam had worked up a powerful thirst in all this excitement & wandered off to his bathtub-sized water bowl for some refreshment. In mid gulp, Sam seemed to remember that he was neglecting his guest, & with a mouth full of water, came to push his muzzle against my thigh in apology. As I was wearing shorts, my naked leg was the recipient of the gallon of water that was streaming forgotten from Sam's mouth & was now running down my leg & into my shoe. Being the gracious guest that I am, it was only this last atrocity that elicited an "EWWW!" from my lips.
At this point Anna decided I needed help, & turned & admonished her dogs, "Sam! No! Candy! No!". She reached down & petted the Corgi & turned & made her way into the living room. The two Lab's seemed little affected by this harsh punishment, & continued chewing their toys & beating their tails against me. That was good, as the tail beating served to wipe up my wet leg.
Anna gestured to a chair & I wondered about the advisability of lowering myself even closer into the dogs territory. Sure enough, two Labrador heads were immediately deposited into my lap, as well as one flattened basketball. The Corgi realized that she would never be able to make it thru the Labrador guard to reach me, so she turned on Candy, growling & yipping at her. Candy was suddenly infused with a burst of testosterone, & jumped up on the clueless Sam to hump him, until he finally turned & growled to put Candy in her place. Anna called out to me over the din to ask how I had been doing since I had seen her last. I could not help but notice that HER lap was not filled with dog heads. I kept petting both the heads, but I made an effort not to make eye contact with any particular dog, as that seemed to be considered an invitation for the Lab in question to hoist it's forearms & shoulders up onto my lap as well. & you can bet I did not want to become a target for the gender-challenged yet amorous Candy. I stayed in my chair.
Anna & I proceeded with our visit. I established a fragile compromise with the dogs.
As long as I made no sudden moves, they would try to contain their enthusiasm for my visit.
As long as I did not touch their slobbery toys in my lap, they would not constantly leap into FETCH position.
As long as I did not look them in the eye, they would refrain from leaping onto me.
In fact, all I had to do to be the center of attention was to exist in my chair. This simple act was enough to cause those two Labs to gaze at me with their undying love & devotion for the rest of my visit. I didn't even have to touch the disgusting basketball! As far as the Corgi - well - she had to make due with Anna, seeing as how my lap capacity of dog heads had been reached for the day.
My good friend Anna & I had a very long visit. After all, we had not seen each other in over two years. Besides, I knew what would happen to me when I finally had to get out of my chair...
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