I first met Dolores a few years ago. I was going to drive from New Mexico to Colorado when my father came to me & said, "You'll need Dolores, then."
"Who?" I asked.
"Dolores. Our GPS for the car. We named her Dolores. You can borrow her for your trip."
"Really, Dad," I laughed, "I think I can find Colorado from New Mexico - I mean, if I just drive north I will most likely run into Colorado whether I mean to or not!"
"Well," he intoned, "you never know..."
So, my boys & I were joined in the car by a machine named Dolores. Dolores Garmin, I assumed, as her surname flashed across the screen when I inserted her cord into the cigarette lighter. Before we even had a chance to get acquainted she
insisted that I agree not to handle her while I was driving. Seemed a funny request from a machine whose sole purpose in life was to help me while I was driving. Since it appeared we would not be able to get out of the driveway until I complied, I went ahead & pressed I AGREE.
Dolores was a generally silent companion. As it was true that I could find Colorado by myself, I programed Dolores mostly to see if she agreed with what I knew to be true. She was right on the money all the way.
After hundreds of miles of peaceful coexistence, the boys & I exited Interstate 25 at exit number 99 in Pueblo, Colorado to have lunch. Dolores suddenly woke from her 400 mile slumber in a somewhat testy mood.
"IN POINT ONE MILE, CONTINUE STRAIGHT TO INTERSTATE 25 NORTH, EXIT 99.", she stated in a no-room-for-argument tone of voice. Who did she think she was, trying to send me right back on the Interstate without so much as a discussion!
"No," I told her, "We're stopping for lunch." I turned left at the intersection & drove under the freeway.
"RECALCULATING...
"IN POINT TWO MILES, TURN LEFT & MAKE A U-TURN." Dolores sounded a little snippy.
"No!" I said, "Not yet. We will go back that way after we go to Arby's." My boys giggled in the back seat.
"Mom! You're talking to a machine!"
"IN POINT ONE MILE, TURN LEFT & MAKE A U-TURN." Now Dolores was definitely pissed off.
"Listen to her, bossing me like that - can you believe it?" I joked with the boys.
"TURN LEFT."
I drove thru the intersection. "I will not! HA! Take that! What do you have to say now, Dolores?"
"RECALCULATING...".
Well, Dolores & I had a love/hate relationship for the rest of that journey - she loved me when I did what she wanted & hated me the rest of the time. I was only too happy to return her to my father upon our return to New Mexico.
Last week, I met Dolores in New Mexico again. Since our last meeting I had met a couple other Dolores'. They all sounded the same, but they did not seem to know me. I figured that was good, remembering that the first Dolores & I had not parted on the best of terms.
"Here she is," said my father, as the boys & I prepared to voyage to Carlsbad Caverns. She flashed her Garmin at me once more & again forced me to agree to her disclaimer. I was a little worried. I had pegged Dolores as the type of woman who would hold a grudge. I could feel my stomach sinking as I realized that THIS trip I might actually need Dolores' help to find my destination. I decided to let bygones be bygones.
"Hello, Dolores." I began nicely, "How've you been?"
"CONTINUE STRAIGHT FOUR POINT SEVEN MILES & TURN RIGHT.", she commanded in her deadpan voice. It seemed innocent. But I knew she was planning something. I could tell by the way she just assumed that I had no choice but to do as she wished. She sounded smug.
So, off we went, as Dolores tried to lull me into a false sense of security. All went well. The boys & I made it to our hotel & rested for a few hours. Later, we hopped in the car & headed out to the Caverns, & that was when Dolores began to implement her plan of revenge.
Since I now knew that I didn't even have to THINK about where I was going, I just drove along on automatic, chatting & laughing with my boys & not even LOOKING at the signs. After a bit, it occurred to me that Dolores had not even chimed in once with some sort of order, or even a helpful bit of commentary.
"What's up with Dolores?" I asked my son in the front seat to check it out, since I had promised Dolores that I would not touch her while I was driving. He picked her up. Her screen was dark. He did what we all know to be the solution for everything electronic - he unplugged her & plugged her in again.
Needless to say, as soon as she was awake she began spouting directives. "IN POINT FOUR MILES TURN RIGHT."
"Good," I said, "At least we haven't missed the turn off. Thanks."
"Mom," my boys said on cue, "You're talking to a machine again."
"I know, it only seems polite."
"IN POINT ONE MILE TURN RIGHT." Dolores knew her cues as well, but I can't speak for her social niceties.
I turned right off the highway. This led us to a straight narrow road that led off into the New Mexico desert-scape, looking for all the world as if it was the only road on the planet.
"This can't be right." I was a little unnerved by the sheer emptiness of the surroundings. "You would think there would be signs for a big place like Carlsbad Caverns, wouldn't you?"
The boys agreed, tho Dolores sat, pregnant with silence, smirking underneath her screen I am sure, between the two front seats. It occurred to me that I had not charged up my telephone & that it was currently resting dead in my purse. All part of her plan, I thought. Technology unites.
"Where are you taking us, Dolores?"
"CONTINUE FIVE MILES THEN TURN RIGHT."
"Right!?" I exclaimed. Looking ahead into the nothingness I could probably SEE five miles ahead & it didn't look like turning right OR left would do much to change the scenery. "I don't like this," I told the boys, "I'm going back to the main road." I stopped & made a U-turn.
"Maybe we passed the exit on the highway & Dolores is just trying to turn us around." the boys suggested, quite logically.
Dolores countered with, "MAKE A U-TURN."
"No!" I told her, "I am not going out there in the desert to have something go wrong with the car, with only my dead phone, a malicious GPS device & a couple bottles of water!"
"RECALCULATING..."
I had visions of vultures circling my poor yellow Toyota, waiting for the fresh meat to stop moving. Later, our skeletons found like a Georgia O'Keefe cow skull painting, next to a note scrawled in our own blood - "It was Dolores!" So back to the main road I went.
"TURN LEFT." Dolores remarked petulantly at the junction of the highway.
"Fine."
"CONTINUE EIGHT MILES TO EXIT."
"That's what I thought."
Soon we exited for Carlsbad Caverns. I couldn't help but notice there were several billboards along the way, prominently indicating the direction of the Caverns. I had a little bit of guilt there - maybe it wasn't ALL Dolores' fault. If I had been driving along the old-fashioned way I wouldn't have gotten lost. I decided to keep my guard up. I knew Dolores did not have our best interests at heart.
After 7 miles Dolores piped up, "IN POINT ONE MILE TURN LEFT".
The boys & I looked at the sign, "Sorry, Dolores, it says 'Service Entrance - Park Vehicles Only'".
"RECALCULATING..."
Soon she said again, "TURN LEFT."
"Ha - that's a One Way - Do Not Enter! What are you trying to do, Dolores, get us killed?"
"RECALCULATING..."
Immediately, Dolores tried one last time. "TURN LEFT."
I looked to the left - there wasn't even a road! But off to my left, across a gully the size of a moon crater, I spied The Visitor's Center in the distance.
It was at that point that I knew Dolores had it in for me. I knew there was only one way I could get the upper hand. I did what we all know to be the solution for everything electronic - I unplugged her.
But this time, I did not plug her in again.
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