Standing in Lowe's last week I found my washer & dryer.
Actually, I found MANY washers & dryers! A veritable ARMY of them, poised & ready for the never-ending battle against dirt & grime on fabric. All races were represented - mostly white, but a few silver, blue & red ones were included as well. Ah, Lowe's is an Equal Opportunity retailer...
I haven't bought a washer/dryer since 1998. Things have changed somewhat.
"Where are the nobs?", I asked myself. An eavesdropping salesman wandered over.
"They're all computerized." The salesman, Joe, told me, stroking the machine lovingly. "Much more efficient."
I could definitely see the 'computer' part. Countless buttons & lights were arrayed across the top of the machine like the bridge of the Starship Enterprise.
"Where are the washing machines," I looked around, " - these all look like dryers."
Joe gave me a look. "These are front-loaders. Maybe you haven't bought a washing machine in a while?"
I figured that was his polite way of asking if perhaps my last washing machine was a washboard & tub.
"No. I haven't. Front-loaders, huh? Now, why would I want to have to get on my knees to load the washer?"
Joe was quick to point out that there was a separate bottom drawer-thingy that would lift the washer higher up. For an extra $300. On top of the $1100 for the washer, of course.
"$300 for an ugly metal drawer? Don't they make the kind that opens from the top anymore?"
"Top-loaders," Joe corrected me, "Yes, over here."
"Better." I said.
I opened a sleek looking top-loader up & peered inside. "Now, where's the thing that goes in the middle?"
"The agitator."
"Yeah, that."
"These machines don't use an agitator. These are high-efficiency machines that use a sensor to weigh the load & blah, blah, blah." (He actually didn't say 'blah, blah, blah', but I got lost in all the technical stuff.) I figured my buddy Joe must know what he was talking about.
"Okay. The price looks better anyway."
"Yes, this set is on sale for $200 off each. $800 a piece.
"Is this a good brand? What is it...Samsung?"
"Yes, that's right."
"Samsung makes washers? My phone is a Samsung!"
"Oh, yes, Samsung has been making appliances for a long time. These are very high quality machines. We never have a problem with them. In fact, these are smart washers."
"Smart in what way?"
"They can communicate with your smartphone."
It never occurred to me that my previous washing machine may have been lonely. The dryer was not a good enough companion. No. My washing machine wanted more. In fact, it deserved more! It had things to say! It had needs! How could I have been so thoughtless?
It must be a joke: 'So, this washing machine walks into a bar & says to the smartphone--'
"Okay, I give up." I said to Joe, "What on earth would a washing machine say to a smartphone?"
"Well, you can check on the status of the load. It will tell you what cycle the wash is in & when it is done."
"You're kidding."
"No! It's a great feature!"
"Great?! What would be the point? If I am home, I KNOW when the wash is done & if I am not home, why would I CARE that the wash is done? What - I'm going to be in the middle of a haircut, my phone will beep & I will run out of the salon, clips & scissors strewn in my wake, to come home & unload the laundry?!"
Joe smirked at me.
He probably knew I didn't have a smartphone.
(to be continued...)
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