My Sons Perfect Wives

For the oldest son:

His wife will have a name like Megablast548.  She will be wearing a fetching suit of bulletproof armour.  She will be sporting an assault rifle & assorted grenades.  She will be calm in a crisis, yet willing to follow the commands of my son, who will insist that he is THE BOSS.   She will know how to drive a Banshee & a Warthog & she will never-ever teabag (jumping up & down on her opponent), which is unsportsman-like, as well as being unfeminine.

As a home-maker, she will be thinking only of my sons comfort & ease.  The jug of orange juice will be the only thing in the refrigerator, so he won't have to say, "I can't find the orange juice!"  The rest of the food will be healthy fruits & will be lying all over the counter within easy grasp.  She will touch nothing on the floor of his room.  She will be able to read his mind so that when he runs out of soap he won't have to go for weeks before receiving a new bar.  She will never even suggest that he could use a haircut. 

She will sail around the world with him in a sailboat.  She will be ready for adventure.


For the youngest son:

His wife will have a name something like Evanstar.  She will be dressed in a flowing gown with a torque & will stand at the ready to touch the hilt of my sons sword for luck as he goes off to battle.   She will have pointed ears.  She will be an expert at archery, but will not carry a quiver, as it will not go with her gown.  While he is away, she will run a shop & be sure to turn over all the money to him upon his return. 

As a home-maker, she will be thinking only of my sons comfort & ease.  She will keep the refrigerator stocked with Coca-Cola.  In the cupboard will be Lipton Teabags & Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers.  She will touch nothing on the floor of his room.  In fact, she probably will not even be able to get thru the door of his room, as by then the Lego's will surely have taken over.   She will not tell him that it wouldn't kill him to wash his face & hair during the half hour that he is in the shower.

She will live with him in a house he will build himself.  She will be ready for adventure.