"Hello, this is the Citbank Fraud Department, Sharon Wise speaking. I am trying to reach Helen -"
"This is Helen."
"Yes, good morning. We are calling today from Citbank because of possible suspicious activity on your credit card account. Tell me, is your Citbank card currently in your possession?"
"It is."
"Well, maybe you can just verify these charges. Last Friday a charge came across our desk that we here at Citbank were unable to identify. It was for about $170US. Do you remember it?"
"No-o-o-o. But I know my husband was trying to do something the other day & he said his card didn't work..."
"His card WAS working, but we here at Citbank blocked it."
"Oh-h-h, okay, so THAT's why it didn't work. Why did you block it again?"
"Because it was suspicious!"
"What was suspicious about it?"
"It was your husband's card!"
"So?"
"So, we here at Citbank seldom see your husband's card in use - only yours."
"Well, that's true - but he's gotta let loose sometimes, don't you think?"
"I'm sorry, I'm going to have to transfer you to another department. Please hold."
"But-!"
♪♪ no woman, no cry...
no, no woman, no woman, no cry...♪♪
"Hello? This is the Citbank Husband Fraud Department, Linda Danfield. To whom am I speaking?"
"Uh, Helen; Helen-"
"Ah, yes, I have your account info right here. How can I help you?"
"I really don't know. Sharon from the Fraud Department just transferred me over here."
"Oh, wait a minute. I see. Were you discussing this charge from Friday, May 4th, for $170US?"
"Yes, we were. It was something about my husband's card not working."
"His card WAS working; we here at Citbank blocked it."
"So I was told. You all seem quite proud of that fact, yet no one has told me WHY!"
"Well, we here at Citbank seldom see your husbands card in use."
"That's what the other lady said. Is there some sort of problem? I mean, my husband's on the account & everything - that's why he has his own card!"
"OH - no, there's no problem with that - at least not here in MY department. This is the "Husband Fraud" department. His card is not our business."
"Then, what is your business? I'm sorry, I don't understand - if my husband's card is not the problem then what is?
"HE is!"
"My HUSBAND is the problem?"
"Tell me, is your husband currently in your possession?"
"No! He's at work."
"So, you CANNOT actually verify at this time whether he IS your husband or someone passing himSELF off as your husband & using his credit card!"
"I'm sorry - are you saying my husband may not BE my husband? Don't you think I would know? I mean, men are not entirely interchangeable!"
"Did you, or did you not, just state that your husband is no longer in your possession?"
"Well, I suppose I DID say that-"
"Please hold."
"Wait-!"
♪♪ I remember when we used to sit
in the government yard in T-♪♪
"Hello, this is Investigator Tyson, Citbank Identity Theft Department. I see you are Helen - "
"Identity theft? Why am I being transferred to you?"
"Well, ma'am, it says here that you cannot verify the identity of your husband so we have a possible identity theft here. We here at Citbank go the extra mile to protect our customers."
" 'I cannot' - what? Of course I can identify my husband! He's the cute french guy who hangs his wet clothes all over the house in all the wrong places & leaves his trash all over the kitchen counter!"
"That is not enough to prove his identity to Citbank, I am afraid. After all, many women can use that exact same description for THEIR husbands-"
"Excuse me. Hold on a minute. You are getting me all upset. I was just sitting here at home, minding my own business, when Sharon from Citbank calls me up to tell me they blocked a charge because it was on my husband's credit card & then Linda told me my husband may not be my husband & now you, Investigator Tyson, are telling me - what? - that I have to PROVE that my husband is my husband?"
"That sounds about right, ma'am. Now, if you could just produce him, we could clear this all up."
"Produce him?! Like, wave my wand or what? I told Linda there, my husband is at WORK! About this time of day he is probably in a meeting! No, I cannot produce him!"
"Ma'am. Are you saying that you cannot produce your husband's body?"
"My husband's ---? My husband's BODY? Are you kidding me?"
"Please hold."
♪♪ Good friends we've had, oh,
Good friends we've lost,
Along the way...♪♪
"Hello. Special Citbank Agent Todd, Murder Investigations. To whom am I speaking?"
CLICK
"Hello? Hello? Hello?"
♪♪ Ev'rything's gonna be alright,
Ev'rything's gonna be alright,
Ev'rything's gonna...♪♪
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