No Room for Normal

"Come in, come in, Ms. - How do you pronounce your last name?"
"Just Helen is fine."
"Helen it is!  I am Mr. Travis, Executive Recruitment Officer, BHB Productions.  Come in & have a seat."  Mr. Travis gestured to a plush chair in front of his desk.  He quickly took his seat behind the desk & picked up a stack of papers & started tapping them into order in front of him.  "Thank you for coming."
"You're welcome, I guess, tho I didn't feel I had much choice, what with this summons & all."  I waived the summons at him.  "I thought only the government could summon people - like for jury duty.  I mean really, a $500 fine & 30 days in jail for failure to appear?"
"True, true - but BHB Productions has some, shall we say, 'high' connections - & I do mean HIGH - so we been able to pull some strings to activate this level of recruitment."
"Okay..."
"Let me tell you a bit about our Company.  BHB Productions is one of the leading suppliers of television programming to a multitude of cable networks.   & I mean quality networks - big names like TLC, HGTV, APL, A&E, etc.  In order for these networks to maintain their ratings, we here at BHB are mandated to supply new & exciting television shows while continuing to feed ongoing series with new & exciting personnel!"
"Hmmm.  Where do I come in?  I don't have any particular desire to be on television."
"You are not alone!" Mr. Travis smiled, "Many people are somewhat reticent about allowing BHB to discover their hidden 'star' qualities.  True," he mussed, "the name BHB is a little off-putting..."
"I'm sorry - what exactly do the initials B-H-B stand for?"
"Bizarre & Humiliating Behavior."
I eyed him, "You're not serious?"
"In today's market, Ms. - uh - Helen, bizarre & humiliating behavior is what sells!"
"& I can't just get up & walk out of here?  I'm really not interested..."
"No, you most certainly can not.  Entertainment has taken on a high priority these days - the HIGHEST!  This country is in the grip of a recession & people MUST be entertained!  See that guard at the door?  His firearm is not just for show.  You will be allowed to depart after I finish with my questions.  In this manner we will discover what your 'special' talent is."
"Fine.  Fire away."  I look apprehensively at the guard, "Not you!" I mouth while shaking my head.
"Good."  Mr. Travis takes pencil in hand & pulls forward his stack of papers.  "Let us begin.  I will ask the questions & you will keep your answers brief & to the point.  If you have any questions, I will attempt to provide you with answers upon the completion of our interview.  Understood?"
I nod.  Briefly, & to the point.
"It says here that you are female, age 49, married, 2 children.  Is this information correct?
"Yes."
"Do you currently own a dog, a cat or any other animal (including farm animals) that you abuse in any way, which might require Humane Society intervention?"
"NO!"
"Okay, strike Animal Cops.  Do you currently, or have you ever, had a child in a beauty contest or dance company that has caused you yourself to behave with complete immaturity, including the making of scenes, throwing of objects, slapping of faces & swearing at other mothers of children in the competition while crying hysterically?"
"No."
"Strike Dance Moms & Toddler's & Tiara's.  Are you, or is any immediate family member, currently hooked on heroin, crack cocaine, or methamphetamines?"
"No!"
"Hmmm, strike Intervention." Mr. Travis puts a paper to the bottom of his pile & begins on the next sheet.  "Do you, or does a family member, currently have any collections?"
"My husband collects Coke bottles."
"Does he?"  Mr. Travis leans forward with a gleam in his eye.  "Do his Coke bottles cover all of your available counter space, furnishings & floor space in such a manner that you can barely walk thru the house?   Has his massive collection had such an impact on your life that you are despondent, your children are out of control & your marriage is on the verge of destruction? Is it true that you are unable to keep your house clean because of this compulsion of your husbands & are currently living amongst cockroaches & other vermin?"
"No."
Mr. Travis slumps back in his chair, "Strike Hoarders.  Do you currently have over 20 children & have not figured out the cause yet?"
"You read my file - it said I have two children."
"Right, right - my mistake.  Strike 19 Kids & Counting.  Are you & your husband currently in the market to either renovate or purchase a new home, but you cannot agree, so that you require both a Realtor & a home designer to help you decide?"
"No."
"Okay, no Love It or List It.  Have you recently hired a contractor to remodel your home & has he completely ripped you off, so that you require a NEW contractor who can repair the damage, while pointing out each & every thing the last guy did wrong so that you feel like a total fool?"
"Sorry, no."
"Okay, forget Holmes on Homes.  Boy, Helen, I must say, you are one tough customer!  But I've been saving the best for last!  Do you have any, well, deviant behaviors - like you dress up like a baby & sleep in a crib at night with a pacifier?  Like you have 50 cats & you have dyed them all pink?  Like you have several hundred tattoos of Sponge Bob all over your body?"  I am shaking my head.  "You don't save all your used Kleenex?  You only eat lizards?  Have a Bear Grylls complex?   Keep dead flies in a box?  Nothing like that?"
"No!"  I am laughing, "You have GOT to be kidding!"
"So, I guess you are not a candidate for My Strange Obsession."
"Well, I should hope not!  I'm just a normal person!  ARE there any NORMAL people left out there?  Whatever happened to REGULAR TV shows - like Northern Exposure & Six Feet Under, like LOST or even M*A*S*H, for Heaven's sake!?  Do people really watch this stuff?"
"Ms. - uh - Helen.  Here at BHB Productions, there is no room for 'normal'.   The farther out of the box the better.  Tell you what, if you would consider giving up bathing & combing your hair;  maybe knocking out a front tooth & working on a bayou accent, say, I might be able to use you on Swamp People."
I stand up.  "Excuse me, Mr. - uh - Travis, but I am thinking we are done here, are we not?"
Mr. Travis delivers a sigh.  "Yes, Helen, I believe we are.  But, remember, your name will appear again on our summons list in five years.  I suggest you take that time to come up with something - ANYTHING - absurd to do with your life.  The American people are counting  on YOU!"